American Hero - George R. R. Martin Page 0,6
it off ’cause he’s a joker. And I can feel where he’s coming from, you know, because when I first turned my ace, I thought it was a joker, since the first card I pulled was El Nopal, the Cactus. My wild card turned because I was so happy at getting the cards from mi abuelita, but if there’s anything to put a damper on your cumpleaños, well, it’s suddenly turning into a living cactus girl with cactus blossoms on her head. But lucky for me, once everyone calmed down, my grandma suggested I try the deck again, see if I couldn’t draw something else, and bless her, the next card I drew was La Bota, the Boot, and I turned into this awesome Nancy Sinatra sort-of-character with thigh-high go-go boots. And we’re talking seven-league go-go boots, ’cause in three steps, I found myself standing in Hollywood, and I realized I wasn’t a joker at all, but an ace, and what a wonderful gift mi abuelita had given me.
But poor Rusty, he’s stuck with what he drew, you know, a body made of metal. If he’d said his mama was a Buick, I wouldn’t have been surprised, but I guess he’s got normal parents and is the first wild card in his family, sort of like me. Or maybe there are other wild cards. I don’t know. We haven’t talked that much about our families. Mostly we’ve talked about, um, King Cobalt . . .
I know, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything, but Madre de Dios, what were the producers thinking? Okay, strike that, I know exactly what they were thinking. They were thinking, Oh, look, we’ve got a Latina. We’ve got a half Latino. Let’s put them on the same team as this pendejo. They can speak Spanish. The Hispanic audience will love it. Except guess what, America? El puto estupido isn’t Hispanic, and the only Spanish he speaks is gringo high school Spanish. You know, ¿Tía Luisa, donde esta mi pito? Spanish. So let me be the first to tell you, America, King Cobalt is a fake.
It’s not like my Spanish is that great either, but hey, my parents are from Mexico and mi abuelita’s from Spain originally, and I’m from East LA, so I do know some Spanish, y’know? But King Cobalt? He’s this idiot with big muscles and he’s all “I’ve heard you can turn into Santos. You must turn into Santos so we can wrestle!” and I’m all “Chinga tu madre, puto feo!” and he’s all “Rrrr! Rrr! I’m a great luchador in this stupid blue mask I got overcharged for in Tijuana! ¡Yo soy el Rey de Gringos Estupidos!”
And then there’s Dragon Girl—I mean Dragon Huntress, she likes that better—who’s like, eleven, and acts younger, ’cause she brought all her stuffed animals and sits around having tea parties. But I like her a lot, because when King Cabron and his wrestling BS had got on my last nerve, and Rusty’s too, suddenly there was this eight-foot-tall Garfield with giant suction cups on his paws. Ever seen a luchador mauled by a plush tiger, then tag-teamed by two giant teddy bears? Me neither. Best dolls’ tea party ever.
Anyway, that’s the Spades and that’s me, so hi, America! I’m Rosa Loteria and I’m going to be your next American Hero! All of them!
Confessional: Paul Blackwell aka Spasm
I am so stoked to be on the show. Seriously, there were a couple days there after the first tryouts when I thought I might not make it. There were so many other people, you know? It was just the sheer force of numbers. Now that I know I’m on, though? I’m psyched. I’m unstoppable. I’m going to own this thing. Own it. Now that I’ve met all the competition, I can tell this is going to be a walk.
First off, I’m on Team Clubs. Best team to be on. We’ve got a bunch of totally ass-kicking aces. Jade Blossom? She’s serious shit and she’s massively hittable. Brave Hawk’s tough. Stuntman. I had this thing I was talking about where we could launch Stuntman. Seriously, Jade Blossom does the whole thing where she makes Stunty not weigh so much, then the Hawkster pitches him way up in the air? So he gets way up there, Jade makes him like a hundred times denser than lead, and bam! Pile driver. It’s that kind of thing that’s going to keep Team Clubs winners all the way through.
The great thing,