myself to settle into a simple routine with him, one that kept my heart safe, keeping in mind the impending divorce and the fact that our marriage could never become something more than a ruse. And now this.
“Oh no,” I said, forcing a laugh. “We’re both too focused on our careers right now to even think about getting pregnant.”
With horror, I realized I was parroting Ford’s parents, and I gulped down my jasmine tea to cover my frown.
“Still. It can happen when you least expect it,” Brooklyn said.
“Plus we’re way too young,” I said.
“I mean,” Tori said with a grin, “I’m younger than you are, Em.”
“Honestly, it’s just too soon for us,” I tried again. “A baby is a lot to think about.”
I wasn’t prepared for this topic to be on the table.
Somehow, I managed to put on a happy face and redirect the conversation back to Tori’s baby shower, but inside I was secretly imagining what it would be like to have a baby with Ford.
Would it have his chin, and those deep dimples I loved? My gray eyes and shyness? I couldn’t help thinking about how cute it could be, a baby Ford/Emzee. A Fordzee.
I’d never thought of myself as motherly—especially since I’d missed out on the whole mothering experience that most people got—but now that the idea was in my head, I could almost picture it. It made my chest feel tight and my heart warm.
Because it wasn’t just a baby I wanted to share with Ford. I wanted a whole life. No matter how much I kept telling myself that I could make it through this next year without getting too attached, I hadn’t realized how much it would hurt to deny myself the things I really wanted. Which was a real life, and a real marriage. I wanted everything my sisters had.
I realized then that Tori and Brooklyn really did feel like my sisters. Even though I couldn’t tell them absolutely everything that was going on with me.
God, I wished I could just let down my guard and be real with them. Spill the whole truth about Ford, and the Bratva, and the horrible but necessary deal I’d made with Ford’s parents. But if I told them about the Bratva’s threats, I’d be betraying my brothers, especially Stefan, to whom I’d promised secrecy.
This bargain I’d made with the Malones was my opportunity to save our family. To protect my brothers, their wives, and their unborn babies.
It was what I wanted.
But I couldn’t deny the twinge in my heart at the thought of having a baby with Ford. Or the desire to turn to my sisters and say, “Hell yes, I’m totally next. Ford and I are going to start trying right away.”
Instead, I had to lie to them. I had to smile and lie and deflect. It was becoming second nature.
Would there ever come a time when I didn’t have to lie to everyone I cared about?
Emzee
Chapter 12
Pacing the lobby of the building where Danica Rose Management’s offices were, I told myself not to be nervous. Jorge, the head of security, gave me a nod each time I passed the reception desk, but it didn’t do much to calm me. I couldn’t help worrying that Ford would be a disappointment.
Yes, he’d said that he would come and teach a workshop for See Yourself, and yes, we’d confirmed the day and time and we’d even talked about it this morning over breakfast…but there was a part of me that wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t let me down.
The fact was, everyone else who’d agreed to help with the nonprofit had found a way to back out at the last minute, and they were all from the same world that Ford was. It was hard not to be wary. In my experience, those who occupied the highest social and economic circles could be a bit lacking in the area of personal responsibility. And although things had been going well with Ford lately, there was no guarantee that he’d come through.
I checked my delicate Shinola watch for about the hundredth time and smoothed down the front of my skirt—my favorite black pencil skirt that usually helped me feel powerful and in control—and resisted the urge to call Ford and demand a status report. After all, he wasn’t even supposed to be here for at least another twenty minutes, but that didn’t make me any less neurotic. My girls were counting on this seminar.
Before I could complete another circuit of