The Women Who Ran Away - Sheila O'Flanagan Page 0,117
see him again so there’s no point in worrying about it,’ Grace said. ‘Let it go.’
Deira looked up at her. ‘So many things I should let go. So many things that seem to be mocking me. Why can’t life work out like it does in the movies, where everyone ends up happy?’
‘Movies don’t always have happy endings,’ observed Grace.
‘I only watch ones that do,’ said Deira. ‘Life’s crap enough.’
‘I know.’ Grace shrugged. ‘But even happy endings don’t go on forever.’
‘I suppose I wanted to think . . . Well, Gavin left his wife for me, and his children hated me for it. I wanted to believe that they would respect me eventually for having such a great relationship with their dad. I wanted to believe we did have a happy ending together and that it was worth it. But we didn’t. So what was it all for, in the end? All that pain and misery and everyone blaming us. Blaming me.’ Deira reached for the cup again and finished the tea. ‘Something Charlie said made me think again,’ she added. ‘About who I am and what I want and, well, everything.’
‘What?’
‘He said it was a privilege, not a right, to have a child. Yes, it’s something that most of us want, but just because we want it doesn’t mean we should have it.’ She exhaled slowly. ‘Maybe there’s a reason I’m childless. After my mum died, I often wished I hadn’t been born. I thought it was really selfish of her to have had children when she wasn’t around to look after us – obviously that was nuts, because she wasn’t expecting to die, but I still blamed her. Especially because I was lumbered with Gill looking after me, and Gill is, at heart, a tyrant.’
‘Hardly a tyrant.’ Grace raised an eyebrow. ‘Surely?’
‘OK, she’s bossy,’ amended Deira. ‘She likes being in charge. She likes ordering people around. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there; what’s important is that I often felt that as far as my parents were concerned, I was a mistake.’
‘Deira!’
‘Not just me, all of us. She and Dad didn’t have the best of marriages. We all knew things weren’t great. Not that they intended their marriage to be crap, of course, but when they realised – when she realised – it was dodgy, why did she have more children? Why didn’t she stop with Peter or Gill? It was selfish of them to have kids in those circumstances. I’d hate a child to feel that I’d had him or her for a selfish motive, but that’s what they’d think, isn’t it? I’d certainly love my child, just as I’m sure my mum loved us, but I might not give them the life they deserve. A happy life.’
‘Love gives children a happy life,’ said Grace. ‘Losing your mum was a tragedy for you and clearly it had an effect on you. But it doesn’t mean you can’t and won’t love your own child. Or that he or she won’t love you.’
‘You have a point,’ agreed Deira. ‘But no matter how much you love someone, you still have to have a plan. And I’m not sure how good my single-working-woman plan would be. Sometimes it has to be more than love.’
‘Lots of people have children in difficult circumstances and things turn out fine,’ said Grace. ‘Being a parent isn’t like an office job, Deira.’
‘I realise that, of course,’ Deira said. ‘But I can’t help thinking that me and my baby could be one of those times when it all goes to pot. Where the mum is perpetually exhausted and the child is miserable. I was perfectly fine without children when I was with Gavin because I was happy with our life. If he’d left me for someone else who wasn’t pregnant, I don’t think I’d have lost it the way I did. But . . .’ She frowned. ‘But it’s like my body has taken me over. My womb has been positively pulsating with the need to have something in there. All I wanted to do was make it feel right. I didn’t think about finding someone and building a relationship or any of that stuff. I just wanted to have a baby.’
‘It’s a very strong urge,’ said Grace.
‘Not one that I had before,’ Deira said. ‘I wasn’t devastated when Gavin said no that first time. I was upset, but I got over it. It’s only because of Afton that I’ve lost the plot now. I wanted to have what