do. Did I really want to make something up, when I now knew that a lie will always be uncovered, no matter how deep it's been buried? Was I prepared to lose another friend, another person who had always had my back? No. The answer was, no, I wasn't. But what damage would my truth do to our friendship? Did it even matter? Was a friend who was unwilling to accept the ugly truth, really a friend at all?
Elle cocked her head. “Yeah?”
I smiled and asked, “Do you have a few minutes?”
***
We sat in the atrium, with paper cups of coffee in hand. Elle was stiff with trepidation, as she sat at the edge of the stone bench. It was my fault for making her so nervous, with the anxious chewing of my bottom lip and the incessant tapping against the sides of my coffee. But I couldn't help it, as I recalled my sisters' initial reaction to Vinnie's past. They had written him off before they'd even gotten to know him, and while Elle knew me, this side of me had been kept a secret. What if she decided every part of me was better left as someone she once knew?
“So ...” She fidgeted with the plastic lid, flicking its thin edges with one, long nail.
I wetted my lips and decided this was it. I had enough problems to deal with; her opinion of me didn't have to be one of them.
“I turned in my badge today,” I admitted, keeping my eyes on the ground.
“Oh, my God, are you serious?”
I nodded. “Yeah ...”
“But,” she shook her head with confusion, “why? You love this job!”
I took a deep breath and said, “No, I know. It's just ... I can't work here anymore. I, um ...” I rapidly wondered why I had thought this was a good idea, just before I said, “I have a history of substance abuse and I ... I can't handle the job anymore.”
Elle was quiet, and when I finally looked at her, I found an expression of inquisitive suspicion. “Substance abuse? Is that,” she gasped quietly, “is that why you've been forgetting things lately?”
My cheeks reddened, remembering the last few weeks I'd been at work. The medication mishaps, the days I showed up late, and the days I forgot to show up at all.
“Yeah, um ... it got pretty bad at the end, and Vinnie and I—”
“Wait. Was he using, too?”
I bit my lip before nodding. “He, um ... he was clean for years, but after his father died—”
“I get it,” Elle interjected lightly, without the slightest hint of judgment tainting her tone. I found it surprising, and I guess my expression said as much because then she added, “My brother, Rob, is a recovering drug addict.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He was in a hiking accident years ago that destroyed his leg, and long story short, he really enjoyed the pain meds. He's relapsed a few times over the years, but for now, he's doing okay.”
My lips parted slightly, and I closed them immediately. I wasn't allowed to be shocked, not after what I'd just told her. But I couldn't help but think, I've met Rob. He’d never given me the impression of being troubled, or addicted to anything other than Diet Coke and Yankee games. But addiction doesn't have one face, does it? Sometimes it hides behind the guy down on his luck, just looking for an escape, and sometimes, it grabs ahold of a guy trying to recover from a broken leg … or a nurse just desperate to escape the ghosts.
“I’m sorry,” I felt the need to say.
Elle offered a sad smile. “I am, too. I’m really gonna miss you.”
Sighing, I nodded and stared out into the atrium, spotting the ghost of a young man following a doctor. “I’ll miss you, too. I’m going to miss everything about this place, but ...” I turned back to her and smiled. “I really need to focus on getting my head on straight, you know?”
“I get it. I do. It’s just ...” She released a deep, melancholic sigh. “Lunchtime isn’t going to be the same.”
I laughed, choking back the threat of emotion. “I’ll come and visit.”
She laughed with me, dabbing beneath her eyes with the hem of her sleeve. “Girl, you better!”
Then, she asked, “What made you do it, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Looking down at the cold cup of coffee in my hand, I shrugged and said, “I was just looking for an escape.”
“But ...