maybe she just lost one. I go and put my arms around her. It feels strange to have a human in them; I’ve just stopped all contact really. She weeps for a moment and then she tells me.
‘I don’t know what I want.’
She cries for maybe another minute and then she pulls away. ‘Sorry.’
‘Stop saying sorry.’ Why does everyone keep apologising to me?
‘Talk to me, Jess.’
‘You don’t need it now.’
‘Jess, please.’
I’m sick of people telling me what I need and what I don’t. I’m sick of people walking on eggshells around me but then again I don’t want anyone close, I don’t want anyone too near.
‘You pong!’ Jess says, as she pulls away. ‘Have you been down to the stables?’
‘Yeah,’ I smile. ‘I made a start cleaning out Noodle’s stable today.’ I have to go back tomorrow, there’s just so much to be done. I don’t tell Jess that though. ‘Talk to me,’ I offer again.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ Jess shrugs. ‘I just,’ she shakes her head; she doesn’t want to talk about whatever it is that’s on her mind. ‘Let’s have a brandy.’
‘Are you sure you ought to?’ I frown. ‘Should you drink with a head injury?’
‘It’s a bruise,’ Jess says and then her eyes light up as I open the sideboard. ‘Oh, my, God!’
‘I know!’ Name a drink and I can make it. Everybody brought bottles for the funeral and for days beforehand too. It’s the same with the cupboards and freezers. They’re full to bursting with food.
I really could hide here.
I could probably not go out for a month.
It’s an incredibly appealing thought.
I pull out some brandy glasses – his nice ones. I pour two glasses and we sit in the lounge and I warm it with my palms. We sit in silence for a moment and I look at my friend and she can tell me anything, I hope she knows that.
Except, I can’t.
I can’t.
Not all of it.
None of it.
I can’t.
But for a reason, I can’t yet fathom, I do. ‘I slept with Noel.’
I see her face jerk up.
I hear my voice and I can’t believe I’ve said it and, from the look on her face, she can’t believe that I’ve said it either.
‘After the funeral,’ I say and I close my eyes, half expecting me to be wearing the brandy she’s holding. ‘He came to pick up the kids.’
Why am I telling her?
Why?
Why?
Why?
‘I’m so ashamed.’
She’s just sitting there stunned.
‘Lucy?’
It all spills out, how he came to the door, how we both just sort of exploded, how we barely made it inside. I’m gagging almost at the end of it; I’m gagging and furious with myself. Not just for what happened but that I’m telling her. I still don’t know why I am.
I just know that it helps. That, when she crosses the room and puts her arms around me, for the first time since his death, I am held and comforted and I let myself be held and comforted, and it helps.
‘I slept with my stepdaughter’s husband.’
‘She’s the same age as you.’ Jess is calm. Jess is a lot more open minded than me - she was a bit of a wild girl once and she just makes what happens less of a big deal. ‘Come on Lucy, they’ve broken up. You’re making this sound worse than it is.’
No.
It is worse.
‘I’m a mess,’ I say.
No, you’re not,’ she promises.
But she doesn’t know it all.
And nor do you.
I didn’t go to the stables today. That was yesterday and I’m still wearing the same clothes.
I’m trying so hard to hold it all together, I’m trying so hard to get back to my routines.
But I can’t.
‘I’m falling apart here.’
‘No,’ she insists. ‘You’re the strongest woman I know.’
But I’m not.
I’m not.
‘I can’t stand that Gloria …’
‘What’s Gloria got to do with this?’ Jess says.
‘What she must think of me.’
‘As if she’s ever going to know.’ I’m too ashamed to tell her that Gloria does, but Jess carries on. ‘And, if she does find out, why would you care what Gloria thinks?’ I don’t know. I just know that I do. ‘Why do you need Gloria’s approval?’
Jess and I haven’t had a night, just us, in ages. We have another brandy and a chat and we discuss that the banks, as Luke predicted, have turned down my application for a mortgage. Jess tells me that she’s going to get Luke to come over and help me sort it out.