face anyone who knows. Anyway, I’m going to change my doctor, I remember, but it all seems too hard.
I just need some time.
I need some time.
I want to hide but it’s not fair on Charlotte.
Maybe I'll ask Luke and Jess to have her this weekend, or even for a few days. I just need some time on my own. I need some time where I don't have to think about dinner and breakfast and washing and uniforms and conversation and all the questions that she has about her father.
‘Jess needs to speak to you now.’ Charlotte hands me the phone. ‘She sounds like she's crying.’
Jess is crying.
Through my fog, I feel the same lurch of fear that I felt when I turned into the street and saw the ambulance and police car. Jess has been in an accident, she's okay, she reassures me, through sobs.
She is waiting for the tow truck and she can't face a taxi.
‘Luke’s at Glasgow airport, he won’t be back for a couple of hours.’
‘It's fine,’ I tell her. ‘I'll come and get you now.’ I get directions and I hang up. Charlotte’s all anxious and wants to come with me, but I'm worried about pulling up on the hard shoulder and I don't know what state Jess is in. It's not what she needs.
‘You stay here,’ I tell her. ‘I'll ring you as soon as I get there.’
Honestly, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing leaving Charlotte on her own - I’ve just got less and less options these days.
The traffic is heaving and I crawl along the motorway. I remember that Charlotte hasn't had dinner and that her uniform’s sitting wet at the bottom of the washing machine. I MUST remember to get it out.
These days, I have to force myself to do things that were once so automatic.
I have to really concentrate just to drive.
I pull up as Jess’s car is being towed and she apologises as she climbs in. ‘I’m sorry. I know you don't need this.’
‘Don’t be stupid,’ I tell her and I notice how pale she looks. ‘Are you sure you're not hurt?’
‘I've just got a headache. It's my own fault - I wasn't looking. I just pulled out without thinking.’
‘It’s their fault if they go into the back of you.’
‘I know,’ Jess says, ‘and Luke said the same when I called him. The thing is, it was my fault - I wasn’t looking.’
I grab some dinner. Not the burgers and pizza that we seem to be living on these days - I actually ring ahead and order Italian. I pick it up and we get home and Charlotte is delighted to see us, and with food!
I throw her dress in the dryer and make a massive pot of tea. Luke rings when he lands but, with the way the traffic is, he’s still a while away. ‘No, you can’t wait up for him,’ I tell Charlotte and I see her up to bed.
‘Love you,’ she says.
‘Love you too.’ I give her a kiss.
‘Sweet dreams,’ she calls as I reach the door.
‘Sweet dreams,’ I say.
‘See you in the morning.’
I close my eyes. I feel this tension building inside and I wish she’d stop, I wish the world would just stop for a moment and let me get my breath. I can’t ask Luke and Jess to have her now. The only person I could ask is Mum – she keeps offering.
Yeah, like I’d let her have Charlotte for a few days, like I’d trust my mother with a child.
I don’t know how she has the gall to even ask.
‘See you in the morning,’ I say and head downstairs.
‘What are you doing?’ Jess asks as I haul the ironing board out. ‘Can’t you do it in the morning?’ Then she laughs, she’s looking a lot better. ‘Sorry, I forgot it’s you.’
Jess still thinks I’m super organised, little does she know that it’s all gone to pot.
I must get back into my routines.
I feel safer with them.
I must go on a diet too.
I iron Charlotte’s dress and I put out socks and I sign a school note as Jess watches on and we chat.
‘It’s a lot of work.’
‘Kids are,’ I say and then I look over and try to make a little joke. ‘Are you sure that you won’t change your mind and have one.’
And, just when I thought I’d cheered her up, Jess starts crying, not a lot, just a bit. ‘Shit, Jess…’