except Eleanor is due to have a baby in a few weeks. We only found out just after Christmas, and she was already five months pregnant by then. ‘Do you know her husband’s number?’ Luke’s so practical, so boring and practical - he just gets things done. ‘He’s the dentist isn’t he? The one doing Charlotte’s braces?’
It’s more complicated than that. This is the Jamesons we’re talking about after all, so it’s always more complicated than that. I’m not supposed to talk about it yet, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to even know that Noel walked out a couple of weeks ago. I don’t tell that to Luke, I don’t really get the chance, he’s going through my phone and he asks to be put through to Noel. He says that it’s a family emergency and Noel must have come to the phone because Luke is explaining the situation and, after a brief conversation, Luke ends the call.
‘He’s going to go home now and tell Eleanor.’ Luke sits down beside me, he goes to take my hand, but he stops when I pull mine away – I don’t want his sudden friendship – he’s not my friend, he’s his friend, and he’s Charlotte’s godfather. I close my eyes as I remember that I should be picking Charlotte up soon – she’s sitting in school and she doesn’t have a clue that her father’s going to die.
And he is going to die.
I know it.
I think he already has.
I think he was gone by the time they put him in the ambulance – I can’t explain that because I don’t believe in God, or a Higher Power, or spirits, or anything, but he’s not here any more, I just know it.
He’s gone.
I’m left.
And I can’t do this on my own.
‘I have to pick Charlotte up.’ Except I’m dressed in a smock and not wearing any underwear and I don’t have my car but I have to be there for her.
‘I’ll ring Jess,’ Luke says. ‘I’ve told her what’s happening and she’s already on her way here. She can pick up Charlotte and bring her here.’
‘Not here.’ I shake my head. ‘Not here.’
I don’t want to do that to her.
I don’t want her to know.
But she has to.
I can’t protect her from this.
‘She’ll need you,’ Luke says.
I know that, so I nod and he rings Jess. I can’t stand how everything is changing – I can’t stand the thought of her face crumpling when she finds out.
I wanted her childhood to be perfect.
I’ve done everything that I can to ensure that it is, but still, it wasn’t enough.
I know that it ends today.
My phone rings as he speaks to Jess, because the world carries on.
It’s the clinic about my missed Botox appointment.
‘I’m at the hospital,’ I say. ‘My husband…’ I don’t finish, I don’t have to, they apologise, give their best wishes and I hang up.
‘Jess is going to the school now,’ Luke tells me. ‘And she’ll bring her here.’
There’s a long silence and I know what’s coming - he’s always bringing her up, but this time there is no choice, this time it’s me who says her name.
‘Should Gloria be told?’ I’m not just asking him, I’m asking the question to myself. I mean, should she? I look at the little pamphlets they’ve got on display and wonder if there’s an etiquette one, for times like this. I’m sure Dr Patel would have one that would explain what happens in such situations. I mean, who does ring the ex-wife and how much of a priority is she? Do you even call her – would she even want to know? I expect Luke to whip out his phone again, or for him to say that she’s already on her way, but for the first time Luke doesn’t seem sure what to do.
‘I don’t know,’ he admits. ‘Maybe we should wait till Eleanor gets here.’
They’ll all be here soon.
Luke’s like a machine with my phone.
Charlotte, Jess, Eleanor, which means Gloria will be being told – then there’s his mum who’s in her eighties, Luke rang his brother and asked him to tell her. He rang my mum too, insisting that she’d be good for Charlotte.
Please!
I look at the phone ringing again and it’s my neighbour.
I don’t answer.
I don’t want to talk to anyone – except there are so many people to deal with, to inform, to update when I just