row, it doesn’t matter, if his phone rings he answers it. This time though it rings out and I know then that he’s gone.
I know, even as they stand back and his body jolts and his chest lifts off the carpet, that he’s not coming back.
‘We’ve got a rhythm.’
He’s got a pulse apparently. They’re all taking about moving him and a policeman comes and tells me that he’s moving my car as I’m blocking the ambulance. I’m not alone with her, but we’re the only two standing doing nothing in the room.
‘I’m sorry…’ She’s sobbing, there is snot running down her nose and she’s beside herself and she’s cowering as if I’m about to hit her. I think about it, believe me, I think about it, but his phone rings again and we both stand there frozen for a moment before I answer it.
‘Where the hell are you? We’re supposed to be starting the meeting…’
‘Luke?’ He sounds normal, he sounds busy, he sounds like he lives in the same world that I did a few moments ago.
‘Lucy?’ I hear his confusion. ‘Sorry, I thought I was ringing…’
‘You did.’ I’m not crying, I’m shivering and shaking, and he sounds so normal, so oblivious. ‘I’m at home…’ I can hardly get the words out, let alone explain things to Luke. ‘They’re taking him to hospital…’ and there’s just silence. ‘It doesn’t look good.’
He’s all calm and practical and tells me that he’ll meet me there, that things will be fine, that he’s tough, and if anyone is going to pull through then it’s him, but I don’t think so.
I really don’t think so.
I turn off the phone and I look at her and I’m not going to hit her, I just want her gone. I want her out, I want her away, I want this finished and done, right here, right now…
‘If my daughter ever has to hear about this.’
‘I won’t say anything.’ She’s pulling on her clothes.
‘I swear to God,’ I tell her, ‘if my daughter, if anyone, gets so much as a sniff…’ The room stinks of sex and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
‘I’m not going to tell anyone,’ she whimpers. The policeman’s back with a colleague and I’m told that he’s not well enough for me to go with him in the ambulance, but the police will drive me there – I’m in no fit state apparently.
She’s dressed now, about to run out, but the policeman asks her to wait. ‘We need a few details,’ he says.
I don’t even attempt to comprehend what he wants her for. I mean, I don’t dwell on his words. I’m led down the stairs and they’re closing up the back of the ambulance. I can see that they’ve got this bag attached to a tube in his throat and are breathing air into him, but even though they’re not banging on his chest now, I just feel like he’s gone, I feel like he left in the bedroom…
I’m driven to the hospital. Occasionally the police car blasts the siren, but only at traffic lights and things. We’re not following the ambulance; they’re just trying to get me there as soon as they can, but I know that the blue lights are on, because people keep turning around as the car swishes past.
And all I can think is that I haven’t got any underwear on.
CHAPTER FOUR
Sensitive.
That’s probably the word.
The paramedics would have told the staff and they are sensitive as they come in to the room I’ve been put in. They ask about his history, and if, apart from Viagra, he’s on any medication.
I feel bile in the back of my throat. How would I know?
‘Nothing.’
They’re doing everything they can, they tell me, but his heart has stopped again and they’re having a lot of trouble getting it started. At that moment Luke walks in. He just stands there, his face white like chalk and I’m told a doctor will be in to speak with me shortly.
‘What happened?’
I run a tongue over my lips and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.
‘Lucy?’
I rest my head in my hands – I have too many thoughts to think, let alone speak, and slowly Luke starts to voice a few of them. ‘Do you need to call his family?’
I’m his family.
Charlotte and I are his family.
I don’t say it though.
It’s another thing they don’t tell you when you marry that sexy older guy, that one day you’ll be ringing his daughter,