had even the barest second to think about things, I would fall into a blind panic. My eyes land on a stack of bouncy toys I had yet to open and put together. Cole would like them when he gets back, I think. He is much more active these days, and I’d been meaning to set the toys up in his room for him to experiment with.
That’s where Sofie finds me four hours later, except I haven’t managed to do a damn thing other than cry a river of tears as I cling to his toys.
“Oh, sweetie,” she says, falling to her knees beside me and enveloping me in her arms. “Where’s Ben?”
I wipe my face with her proffered tissues. “He’s with Logan and Jack and the police, I think. There wasn’t much I could do, they said, so they told me to go home until there’s word.” I hiccup through my tears. “I couldn’t stay there and listen to them talk about statistics and have all their eyes on me, wondering. No doubt grateful they weren’t in my shoes, that their kids were safe. I couldn’t stand to watch Ben shut down right in front of me after we’d finally grown so close. I thought being here would make me feel better, but Sof, I don’t think anything will ever make me feel better.”
I SIT ON the couch in a drugged stupor. Sofie had fed me sleeping medicine, but even though she’d passed out hours ago, I wasn’t able to succumb to sleep. So I sit, waiting, feeling oddly numb and my brain is so sluggish I can’t manage to form a coherent thought.
The door opens and I can see Ben walking in, his head low. If I could feel, hope would have stirred in my chest, but it’s probably a good thing that I can’t, because when he looks up, the ravaged look on his face would have dashed those hopes right away.
“They’re interviewing all of the carnies now. They’re still working on people that were there or that may have seen something.”
My voice is raw and scratchy. “So they don’t have anything?”
“They will, Liv. Logan was still there when I left.”
“Ben, I don’t know what to do. What am I supposed to do here? I don’t think I can handle this.”
He brushes the rain off of his hair and I spot his hearing device as he shucks his jacket and boots. I remember his story about what happened to him overseas, the nightmares he’s prone to having after rough days. He’s been through things like this before. I don’t even know how he’s handling it—if he’s handling it at all.
He comes to sit beside me, pulling me into his arms. “We’ll get through this together, Liv. We won’t stop until we find him.”
“He’s out there all alone. He could get sick. I can’t lose him, Ben. It would kill me.”
“We aren’t going to lose him. I won’t let that happen.”
I shake my head, because what can he do? “I just don’t—”
“Stop. You need to get some sleep. We’ve got the press conference tomorrow. They’re going to want to have you say something on camera. They’ve got everyone in the surrounding counties mobilized.” He squeezes me tighter. “We’re going to find him, baby. I promise you.”
He holds me on the couch until I succumb to a fitful sleep.
“Baby, you have to eat something.”
Ben offers a bowl of some mushy looking cereal, but the mere sight of it causes bile to rise in my throat. “No, I can’t.”
“You have to.”
With a hand covering my mouth, I say, “I’ll try later, Ben. Okay?”
He nods, watching me warily, but doesn’t press the issue, thank God. Simply getting dressed and looking presentable is just about all I can do. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that much if Ben hadn’t dragged me out of bed and Sofie hadn’t been there to pour me into a dress.
What does it matter how I look when my heart’s been ripped out of my chest?
The house where I raised my son doesn’t feel like a home anymore. The walls my brother and I finished painting a creamy beige aren’t comforting. They feel hollow and cold. Empty.
“Livvie,” Sofie says softly from the doorway. “It’s time.”
It’s uncharacteristically overcast for the Sunshine State, but the weather feels fitting. No day without Cole should have sun. I know for sure that any light in my life had been robbed from me the moment he went missing. As I