I grew up in the hope that I’ll think you’re my friend, that I’ll have regrets and feel ashamed and sorry and confess everything to you. It won’t work, you know. But that’s not really what it’s about, is it? You’re not offering this for me. This is to make you feel better. Better about your role in what it is I have done. What it is I do.’
Baroque opened his mouth to protest then shut it again. He wanted to deny her, but there was truth in her words. Painful truth. Only it was not himself that he was worried about.
‘I can’t fool you, can I?’ he said stiffly. ‘But Tarlo, trust me when I tell you, this isn’t just about me. You need to go back. It will help you move forward – perhaps in the right direction.’
‘Right? What does that even mean anymore? There’s no such thing.’ She gave a bark of laughter, then thought for a moment. ‘If I do this, will you promise not to “talk” to me anymore?’
Baroque hesitated then nodded. ‘All right. I promise. Do this and there’ll be no more lectures.’
‘Very well, then,’ she said. ‘I’ll go back to the Candlemakers Quartiere. Tomorrow.’ Before he could say another word, she swooped past him. It was all Baroque could do not to cheer.
‘But,’ she said, just inches from him as she gripped the door handle. ‘I will not confess anything to you, Baroque. I will not tell you my secrets. I will not share with anyone what resides in here.’ She rested her other hand over her heart. ‘How can I, when it’s empty?’
The smile left his face.
She opened the door. ‘Someone once told me not to trust anyone. I listened to him. Turns out, it was good advice. It makes everything so much easier.’
She disappeared. He heard her heels clattering up the stairs.
Filled with sadness, he climbed off the stool and, in lonely silence, finished cleaning.
THE FOLLOWING MORNING, I AWOKE EARLIER than usual. The evening had been spent entertaining a wealthy merchant named Signor Mario Visconti who, by the time I left his casa, had arranged to meet with Signor Maleovelli to discuss a partnership in the slave trade.
It had been a while since I had arisen before the sun was over the horizon, and I returned to my old habits, climbing out of bed and throwing back the shutters. It was cool outside. Pigeons nestling in the eaves of the roof opposite were all snuggled in their scrappy nests, gently cooing and shuffling their feathers. When I looked down, I could see the faint outline of schools of tiny fish, just beneath the surface of the water, fleeting shadows that darted first one way, then the other. I rested my chin on the crook of my arm and thought that was how I had felt once – compelled to change course. No longer. I knew where I was headed, what I was doing, despite what Baroque thought. And today, that was going back to the Candlemakers Quartiere, back to my old home.
My heart fluttered. I was surprised and a little annoyed. I had trained myself not to feel excitement anymore, not to let anything ruffle my inner calm. And yet, the mere thought of strolling the fondamenta, of seeing Quinn’s shop and encountering the people who represented my past the way shadows occupy corners, filled me with trepidation and, I admit, longing. Perhaps Baroque was right. This was what I really needed in order to be able to embrace my future.
I moved away from the window and, using the water left over from my evening wash, cleaned and dressed without Hafeza’s help. She would be cross with me in the way she’d adopted – more playful than serious. I found, like many things about Hafeza, it annoyed me. I’d actually asked Giaconda if I could have a different maid, but she’d explained that this was impossible. The fewer who knew about me, the better. I still didn’t trust Hafeza. Though Giaconda left me very much to my own devices these days, I felt that she might as well be around while Hafeza was present. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew Hafeza reported my every move to her mistress. Well, today she wouldn’t be able to. Today I would slip out from under her watchful eyes and escape with Baroque.
Escape. The mere word gave me joy. I hadn’t realised I felt trapped.
I dressed quickly and, using some of my belladonna potion,