days earlier when Dante’s Zia Gaia had helped me bathe. The day my gender masquerade began to unravel completely. My heart contracted but I remained resolute.
Hafeza’s fingers rested gently on my arm. Her head tipped to one side and I could see the questions dancing in those huge liquid eyes. She rested her other hand lightly against my heart. The warmth of her fingers penetrated my shift. I resisted the urge to extract. I didn’t want to frighten her. Again, she nodded and then took her hand away and pressed it against her own breast.
As if she had been the one to extract from me, I saw compassion in her gaze, in the measured way she gestured. She understood my melancholy. She too had lost someone important to her.
My lips began to quiver. Important was such an inadequate word.
‘You understand,’ was all I said. I could not wait for my strength to return so that I might discover what made Hafeza so unhappy. Was it that she was a slave, that she mute, or was it more?
She nodded once and then went to work. She plucked one of the huge sheets used for towelling off the bureau and, shaking it out, draped it over her shoulder and beckoned me closer.
This time, when she lifted my gown, I didn’t protest. She carefully untied the bandage, and with her help I eased myself into the bath. The water rose as I sat back and my limbs became pale and distorted under its liquid weight. It was deliciously warm. My fingers carved a passage through the water and I marvelled at the way it caressed my skin and how, wherever the fluid rested, it changed its texture. I ran my hand along my legs, from my knees to my toes and then back up, along my inner thighs. My flesh felt like satin. I sank deeper into the water and rested the back of my head against the curved edge of the tub and studied my body. I wasn’t accustomed to being completely undressed, nor to such display. I found it unexpectedly liberating. My newly discovered breasts floated above the waterline, my nipples coral-tipped islands surrounded by a translucent sea. I couldn’t help but stare at this wanton abandonment. I felt a giggle build inside me as Hazefa dipped her hands in the water and began to tease the soap into fragrant bubbles. She produced a sponge and, rubbing the soap into it, started to scrub my legs. The combination of the slippery lather, her deft but gentle fingers and the roughness of the sponge tickled and I had to concentrate not to pull back my legs abruptly.
The firm stroking became rhythmic, and I tilted my head backwards and shut my eyes, enjoying the sensations. Gently, Hafeza lifted my swollen arm and trickled soapy water over it. It was still tender, but the fluid was soothing. I relaxed and my mind began to wander. Where my skin touched Hafeza’s, I could feel her strength, her health and, without meaning to, I drew from her as easily as I inhaled. The pain in my arm blossomed momentarily and then disappeared and a sense of well-being permeated my body. In my dream-like state, I began to extract more deeply. My arm was suddenly released, falling with a splash into the warm water. My eyes flew open and Hafeza sat back on her heels, holding her hand in front of her face, her eyes wide – not in fear, but with wonder.
‘Mi dispiace!’ I cried, gripping the sides of the bath, sitting up quickly and sloshing water over the floor. ‘Hafeza, I didn’t mean –’
She pressed a long, wet finger against my lips, silencing me. Pushing me back into the water, she pried my fingers from the edge and lifted my arm, nestling my formerly damaged elbow in the palm of her hand, examining my upper arm closely, running a finger down my forearm. The swelling and redness were gone. I was healed. Without forethought or calculation, I had mended myself – and without harm to Hafeza. On the contrary, she seemed … delighted. She smiled sweetly, patting my arm for good measure before retrieving the sponge and, softly at first, but with increasing vigour, resumed washing me. I gave a little moan of approaval.
‘It doesn’t hurt – not at all,’ I said cautiously. She didn’t react. I waited a beat. ‘Are you all right?’ I asked her quietly.
Hafeza paused and looked at me in astonishment