like I was riding a high, straight up into the stratosphere, so I had to capitalize on it. I had to make a leap into the unknown. This was the first time in a very, very long time that I wanted to even make a leap at all.
So I asked my next question, leaping headfirst into the dark waters of wild impulses:
“Rex, this is nuts, but… fuck it. Would you be my boyfriend?”
And I was quickly torn in half by the great white shark of disappointment and instant regret.
12
Rex Madison
The question caught me off guard. If we were standing, I probably would have been blown over.
I never did well with surprises.
“I, uhm, I, Benj, that’s, uhm….”
I stuttered, looking for an answer. The simple one would have been Fuck yeah. Let’s be boyfriends. Let’s make up for lost time and give this undeniable connection between us a real shot.
Instead, I stuttered. And that might as well have been the equivalent of spitting in Benji’s face. I watched him shut down in real time, his head dropping, his eyes shutting, back caving in.
“It’s not that I don’t want to be with you,” I said, trying to control as much of the damage as possible as I watched our rekindling relationship drive itself off a steep ravine. “I just… it’s—” Fuck, just say yes. That’s all.
Except, how could I say yes when I was still dealing with the fallout of being deep in the closet? How could I say yes, knowing that there was a sex tape ready to drop at any second? He’d be dragged into the discourse; one way or another, he’d be affected by it.
And it would have been my fault.
Benji was already dealing with enough as it is. Could I risk adding any more on his plate?
“There’s still a lot I’m dealing with, Benji. I don’t think it would be fair to you. Not right now.”
He nodded slowly, and his eyes turned away from mine. I stepped in it, for fucking sure. I fucked up.
“Listen, it’s got nothing to do with you,” I said, still trying to save something from the burning wreckage.
“No, I get it.” He looked up to the darkening sky, the moon shining full and bright even though a few dying rays of sunlight still clung to the horizon. “I get it. I got carried away by it all. I should have kept my mouth shut. It was stupid.”
“It wasn’t stupid, Benj.”
“It was. I made a mistake. It’s the only thing I can really even do—make mistakes.” He stood. I could see this wasn’t going anywhere good, so I reached for his hand, grabbing his wrist. He looked down at me before sitting back on the blanket. Tammy must have sensed something was up. She stood, stretched with a small yawn, and went off to lie underneath a tree.
“Don’t say that about yourself, Benji. You’re a Gold. You’re meant to do big things in your life, I got zero doubt about that.”
“Meanwhile, I’m blurting out crazy questions and ruining my shot at actually being happy.” He started to stand again. This time, he pulled his hand from my grip. I could tell he was beginning to spiral. His face seemed to be cast in shadow even though I could still make out every little line, every tiny twitch. “I’m not mad at you,” he said. “I’m more mad at myself… Just forget it, Rex. Forget all of it. This was all a big mistake.”
It hurt to hear, even though I understood he wasn’t really speaking from his heart.
At least I hoped he wasn’t…
I stood so that I could be at his level. This wasn’t how things were going to end. I refused to believe that. I didn’t even answer his question, and although it felt a little too late for me to say “yes,” I could at least reassure him that it wasn’t a “no.” It would never be a “no,” not for Benji.
“The only mistake is me not reaching out to you these last six years. That’s the shit I regret.” I reached for him again, wanting the comfort of having his hands in mind.
He put his hands in his pockets instead.
“Just give me some time,” I said, trying not to throw in the white flag. “I just need a little bit of time.”
“As if six years wasn’t ‘a little bit’?” Benji was angry. I saw it sparking in the whites of his eyes. He turned away from me, lifting his hand to wipe something