Vampires Never Get Old - Zoraida Cordova Page 0,34

us sleep or read during the day or try to organize the hell out of the kitchen spice cabinet before our mamas tell us that the seven-year-old garam masala in some cloudy plastic packet is still good, thank you very much. Or fan our daddis or nannis in the blistering heat with that vintage embroidered hand pankha they’ve had since before cars were invented. And we can’t stress enough how critical your avoidance skills are going to be right now since you’ll be in the house all day and will no doubt be dying to evade the various “special” chores your parents have set aside for you. “Beta, since you’re stuck inside anyway…” is a refrain with which you will become painfully familiar.

We kid, but honestly, a word to the wise: If you were a no-good, useless, shameless dacoit with no respect for your elders in your old life, show yourself out. You’re probably going to be worse now, and this community doesn’t need any more drama or banditry.

You’re an immortal. And that can be wondrous and terrifying at the same time. Your world has turned upside down. Day is night. Many you once loved will shun you. Will call you untouchable. But there is a world for you to discover—one where time is no longer your enemy. Except when it comes to all the mortals you love, who will die of old age.

Correction: Time is no longer the enemy of your personal vanity. It’s still a thief. But at least it won’t steal your beauty. And, darling, you are gorgeous.

WHAT SHOULD YOU EAT?

Your colonizer.

BUT YOU’RE STARVING NOW

Of course you are. See that thermos next to you? The silver one with the word Gumnaam superimposed over a green outline of South Asia? Drink it. Now. It’s blood. You are probably both disgusted and intensely attracted to this idea. Vampire life is nothing if not full of contradictions. So, basically, no different than human life. Trust us, drink it. And we didn’t kill for this; it was donated. Voluntarily, by allies.

Just like this handy pamphlet, the thermos came to you through VampersandTM and our incredible blood wallah network modeled on that of the tiffin wallahs.

[See: Relative Nutritional Values by Blood Type]

Hey, it’s a six-sigma system. Tif ain’t broke, don’t fix it. (Don’t roll your eyes. The joy of puns is forever.)

BUT, REALLY, LET’S TALK ABOUT FOOD

Many of you are vegetarian. Many of you keep halal. Some of you live life according to the principles of ahimsa: Cause no injury, do no harm. Every living thing has the spark of the divine. Regardless of your religion or to personal beliefs, it’s simply a fact that, being in a desi family, you likely approached meals with the virtues of moderation—eat what is simple and natural. Unless it’s a wedding, then, obviously, moderation does NOT apply.

We really hate being the bearers of bad news, especially when we’re not there to soften the blow with some freshly blended mango lassis or to soothe you with a rendition of our favorite lullaby, “Chanda Hai Tu,” but it’s the daytime, so we regret we can’t be with you. But vampires thrive by killing people. By biting them in the neck and sucking their blood. You’ve noticed the sharp teeth, right?

You are going to want to do this. And you’re also probably fighting it. You’re at war with yourself. We understand. It’s not fair. You shouldn’t have to deny the essence of who you are. You can subsist on animal blood, but every part of you will be drawn to human blood, and one day you’ll be feeling extra ravenous and won’t be able to fight it anymore. And you’re going to feel guilty. Really guilty. We know. We’ve been there.

* * *

A brief pause for this PSA

Know this unbreakable rule: No babies. No underage individuals. No poverty-stricken.

No one kicked to the curb and marginalized.

Don’t do what was done to you.

* * *

Remember the desi way of nutrition? Eat what is readily available, doing the least damage to the environment. Is your memory of last night becoming clearer now? What happened? Who did this to you, without your consent? Remember the British tourist? The one who looked extra pasty and probably was dressed in some kind of kurta with jeans and rubber chappals thinking they were blending in? As if.

Now do you understand? Your primary food directive: Eat colonizers first.

Here is a simple, undeniable fact: White British tourists are readily available. To be clear, we mean British Britishers: