Vampires Never Get Old - Zoraida Cordova Page 0,35

the Angrez. (It’s not like they think of anyone else as British, anyway. ) Have you ever been to Baga Beach during winter holidays? They’re practically tripping over each other at Mackie’s Saturday Night Bazaar trying to haggle a poor trinket seller to within an inch of his life. Or the Taj Mahal, during, oh, literally any season, jostling each other to get the perfect “Touch the Taj” snap and somehow forgetting that it’s actually a tomb—the final resting place of a queen and her beloved. Imagine how they would react if thousands of desis showed up at Churchill’s grave, hungover and complaining about Delhi belly. Obviously that’s a hypothetical; we know none of you would go there unless it was to spit on the grave of the man who starved a few million Bengalis.

But we digress.

The Des is teeming with Angrez vacationers, and we suggest that, after a few moments of careful observation, you choose the one who is most obnoxious. The hooligan. The one who is drunker and ruder than everyone else. The one who is heard complaining in a loud voice about how unsanitary conditions are or how uncivilized it is for people to eat with their hands or how the British did India a favor (!) by colonizing her. You know which ones we mean. We trust your judgment.

You might be wondering how you’ll go after your victims. That’s actually the easy part. Turn on the charm. Promise them a deal. Show them a way to the best bhang lassi shop. Tell them you know the best beedi roller in the neighborhood. Lure them away and let your instinct take over. Have you run your tongue across your teeth yet? Notice your canines feel extra pointy? Voilà! Let your vampire flag fly!

BUT.

The absolute last thing we need is for tourist vamps to overrun India. And, yes, if you bite a human and drink some of their blood, your vampirism spreads (enzymes transferred from direct saliva-to-blood contact) and you’ve sired them. And, clearly, it is not sustainable if we keep siring more and more vampires who in turn diminish the human population, eventually leading to only vampires, who all starve to death. We wouldn’t want that. Especially the Angrez, because then we’ve just recolonized South Asia with the British undead.

No. A simple rule to follow is this: If you go after one, you must fully exsanguinate them. All five liters. It will not be easy, nor should it be. You’ve lived your life peacefully, likely nonviolently, until this moment. Even the thought of taking a life may be abhorrent to you. After all, isn’t that what landed you in this situation? Your life violated; your choice taken away. You may not want to perpetuate the cycle. But you may not have a choice.

We cannot reiterate enough: Not completing the task, simply taking, say, one liter to sate yourself, will only ensure a new baby vamp. So you need to kill them. Dead. Think five liters is too much? We suggest working in pairs in case you’re worried you won’t be able to imbibe the full five. Plus, if you run into any neocolonial British vamps on holiday, you might not want to confront them by yourselves. They often roam around in marauding packs, like their football team just lost and they’re out for vengeance. So pairing up is practical. Safety in numbers and all that. The VampersandTM app has a convenient Find Your Friends feature, which we’ve already turned on for you, so come nightfall, go forth and locate your nearest new BFF. (Want to try it out? Go ahead, just don’t actually, you know, go out if it’s still daylight.)

One thing we want to prepare you for: Some Angrez tourists are bland AF. These are the ones raised on a national cuisine that includes greatest hits such as beans on toast and where salt is their primary seasoning. (Someone really needs to tell them it’s a mineral and not a spice.) Alongside your thermos, you’ll notice a small spice packet. Before you drink, we suggest shaking some of this onto your tongue; it will make the blood go down a lot easier. Feel free to change up the spices! Live your best life!

Still hearing the voice in your head saying killing is wrong? But also feeling unable to deny your bloodlust? Don’t worry, we’re working on a solution—a less human answer to your cravings. A number of your fellow vampires who are alumni of the illustrious