with her fingertips, then slumped into a chair at her kitchen table and untied the crisscross straps from her heels, heaving a sigh as she tossed one red suede shoe across the cool tiled floor, then the other. A heel smacked into the wall, thumping along the wood.
She muttered a curse. She didn’t need to maul a good pair of shoes because she was pissed at herself. She rose, padded to the wall and picked it up, inspecting the heel to make sure no damage was done.
Safe and sound.
Unlike her heart.
Unlike her ego.
Unlike her stupid brain that was tricking her
She and Brent had gone from zero to sixty in mere seconds, it seemed. One minute he’d been holding her in the hallway asking if she was safe. The next she was grinding against him by the window. She was ready, so damn ready to have gone home with him, to have tossed out the past, ignored the hurt, and just let him take her. He was her good drug—when they were younger, one hit and he’d washed away all the anger and shame.
She’d been practically addicted to sex with him when they were together. Brent had been the only thing that had felt good after far too long spent feeling nothing but bad. Nothing but the black mark of her family that trailed behind her all through her teenage years. Nothing but being the Paige-Prince kids.
Before him, she’d only had dance and her brothers. Then he came into her life, and she had something pure and unsullied by the cold, cruel world. Brent was her sweet, sinful addiction, and she rationalized that it was much healthier to need him than the bottle or a needle. But it wasn’t just the sex that had burned brightly between them. It was everything. He’d made her laugh, he’d made her smile, and he’d brought her so much happiness. She’d hadn’t been close to anyone like him since. While she hadn’t turned into a nun when they’d split, she hadn’t been busy fornicating during the last ten years, either. Her list of lovers was remarkably short—no one had compared to him because no one could compare to him.
She’d spent the last decade mostly alone. She’d had dates here and there and a few longer-term relationships. But sex and love residing in the same person? That had happened to her once in her life, and it had been with the man she’d wanted to go home with tonight. That moment in his arms had reminded her of how much she’d needed him, relied on him, and healed because of him. And how she’d cratered when he took that away by leaving. Thinking of his departure was like punching a hole in her chest. It was turning off her gravity.
That was why she’d snapped in the lounge.
She hated wanting him so much.
Shoving a hand through her mussed-up hair, she spotted the mail she’d brought in earlier. On the top of the pile was a letter from her mother. Maybe because she felt like she deserved punishment tonight, she picked up the white envelope. It bore the same return address her mother had had since Shannon was fourteen.
Dora Prince. Inmate #347-921, The Stella McLaren Federal Women’s Correctional Center, Hawthorne, Nevada.
Shannon took a deep, fueling breath, steeling herself for the latest round of unstable, needy, borderline insane words. With a hard stone residing in her gut, she pushed her finger under the flap and ripped it open. She took out the letter and unfolded the lined paper, girding herself for what lay on the page.
Baby,
How are you? How are your dance shows? Are your dancers as talented as you were? Sometimes at night, when it’s quiet, and everyone’s asleep, I close my eyes, and I swear I can see you on stage, with a smile so bright you light up the whole recital hall, like you did when you were my little girl in her candy pink tutu, up on the stage with your pirouettes.
I know it’s different now, but in my mind you’re still dancing. You’ll always be dancing. Just like someday I’ll be free. You’ll get your knee fixed, and I’ll get out of here, and life will be as it should again.
That’s what I hold onto when it gets all dark and black in my head, because I swear, it gets darker every day. It’s been more than seventeen years now, and the light is fading. I thought by now I’d be out of here.