and forget all about being responsible while that sweetness filled me.
But I couldn't. My resolve was weakening by the second, true, but I was still holding on.
Barely.
I broke the kiss reluctantly, trying to muster my strength and move away from him. At the first sign of my struggle, he immediately let me go.
"I - I'm sorry," I said, sitting up and putting my face in my hands. I rubbed my eyes as though waking from a dream, which in a manner of speaking, I was. "We can't. It...it started..."
"Just from kissing."
It was a statement, his voice coming out husky with desire and sleepiness...and regret. He knew better than most how lethal a passionate kiss could be; I'd almost killed him the last time. Of course, that had been an exceptional situation, and my near-death state had sucked away much more than a deep kiss normally would.
"Just from kissing," I repeated bleakly. It didn't take intercourse for one person to give themselves up to another. There were no loopholes in this game.
Tense silence crept in around us until Seth sat up as well and shifted his body away from mine. I could hear genuine pain and guilt when he spoke again. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know...meant to have better control. But I just sort of woke up...and I was half-asleep...and then..."
"I know," I whispered into the darkness. "I know. And I'm sorry too."
More silence.
"I guess," he finally said, "I should go sleep on the couch..."
I closed my eyes, feeling terrible but knowing he was right. We'd been playing with fire by fooling around with this chaste-sleeping thing. It was a wonder something bad hadn't happened sooner. The more it sunk in, the more I realized how much damage I could have caused. Hell, how much damage had I caused already by taking those few drops of life from him? A week off his lifespan? A few days? Even one minute would have been too much.
Bitterness - at the world, not him - dripped from my voice when I spoke. "No. I'll take the couch. We're at your place."
"Whatever. Leave me some remnant of chivalry."
I didn't say anything, and we sat once more in awkward silence. A hundred questions hung in the air between us, but neither of us could broach them. Both our faults. When an emotional situation turned uncomfortable, I had a tendency to run from it or pretend it wasn't happening. And while Seth wouldn't exactly run away, he wouldn't initiate the dialogue needed to explore something like this. So we continued sitting there.
At last, he stood up. "I'm sorry. Sorry for what I did."
He blamed himself, which was typical of him but not fair, especially since I had technically touched him first. I should have said something then, told him it wasn't all his fault. But the words stuck on my tongue, held up by my own confused feelings. After a few more moments, he left for the living room.
I lay back down, Damocles in my arms, but slept badly the rest of the night. When morning came, Seth and I ate breakfast in more tense silence - he'd finally made my pancakes - broken only occasionally by stiff small talk. We then went to the bookstore together, parting ways quickly. I hardly saw him the rest of the day.
Bastien was in the city for some reason or another that night, so he picked me up later and drove me over to his place for the ridiculous heist at Dana's. When I saw the post-sex energy wreathing him, I knew what had brought him downtown.
"Don't you get tired of getting laid every day?" I asked him, wishing I could have gotten laid last night.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't actually just ask that, Fleur ."He then proceeded to ramble on about his various Dana sightings in the last few days, how chummy they were getting, how it could only be a matter of time before the inevitable.
When I didn't really respond, he cut me a sidelong glance. "What's the matter with you? You look miserable."
I sighed. "I kissed Seth last night."
"And?"
"And what?"
"What else happened?"
"Well...nothing. I mean, a little groping here and there, but that's it."
"So?"
"So, I shouldn't have done it."
A dismissive look crossed his face. "A kiss is nothing. It's not like you gave him a blow job or anything."
"Good lord, you're crass."
"Don't act like I offended your delicate sensibilities. And you know what I'm talking about."
"Doesn't matter. I was weak. I got some of