that ‘men who know their weak points’ will get all the ladies. My two main weaknesses: rounders and encouraging Jordana to set things on fire. She has burnt my leg hair, the Evening Post and an old, dried-out Christmas tree that went up like a jet engine.
Some other groups of men who will be successful with women: ‘Men Who Like Picnics and Pleasure Parties’. I despise picnics. Also ‘Men Well Versed in the Science of Love’. And love is a science.
Coitus. It lasts for ten minutes. During sex, my mother sounds as if she’s being given a deep-tissue massage. Is she having an orgasm? I’m certain my father cannot tell.
When it’s over, my father, understandably, sounds relieved. He has out-performed the national average by two minutes. He will sleep well.
I have done some research on tantra.com. It turns out that tantra transports your sexuality from the plane of doing to the plane of being. It can last for up to fifteen hours.
Tonight, Jordana is coming round. I shall cook her a meal. I even told my parents about my plans. At this early stage in proceedings, I am doing my best to minimize any contact between my parents and Jordana. Mum said it was ‘terribly sweet’ and promised to take Dad out for the evening.
So far, they have only glimpsed Jordana at the door a few times and, on one other occasion, when Jordana accepted the offer of a cup of tea. I am always careful not to let them start a conversation. It would not take more than three of my father’s jokes for an icy wind to blow through our relationship.
My parents are going to see a performance of Richard III at the Grand Theatre. My dad told me the play contains a scene where Richard, an evil, unattractive man, seduces the recently bereaved wife of his brother, who Richard murdered, while the corpse is still in the room.
‘Now there’s seduction,’ he said.
I want the evening upon which we lose our collective virginities to be special. I’m no parthenologist but I suspect that Jordana’s virginity is still intact. Her biological knowledge is minimal. She thinks that a perineum is to do with glacial moraine.
One of the factors here is that, in school, there have been rumours that Janet Smuts and Mark Pritchard have consummated or, at the least, are very close to it. There are also three other couples who are moving quickly from base to base, looking to make a name for themselves. I figure we might as well get involved before it seems like we’re just jumping on the bandwagon.
The meal will set the tone. Jordana will be put at ease, confident in my sexual prowess, because cooking and love-making (as it will be known for this evening) are, after all, interchangeable skills.
For weeks now, with this evening in mind, I have been making a list of foods that she does not like. I sometimes go to school early to meet her for the breakfasts which they serve between seven thirty and a quarter to nine. Her parents don’t eat breakfast.
I open my diary and write myself a reminder about Jordana’s culinary habits:
J’s culinary dos and don’ts
• Egg white. (I have told her that chocolate cake and pancakes contain egg white but she doesn’t care.) She only likes the yolk.
• Sausages must be well cooked. She ruthlessly checks the skin for any tell-tale transparency.
• She does not like posh food. She has confirmed that the following foods are posh: pâté, frankfurters, porridge, mushrooms, mussels, scallops, cockles, octopus, black pudding, hake, haddock, ratatouille.
• She only likes very soft cheese: over-ripe Brie/Camembert is acceptable if the rind has been removed. I asked her if a melted hard cheese is okay. It’s not. I asked her if she could say which cheese lies on the cusp between hard and soft, just so I can get an idea of the boundaries. She said nothing.
I tear out the page and use the power of magnets to stick the list to the fridge door.
Jordana doesn’t like the most traditional aphrodisiac, seafood, so I have decided to go for a safe, contraceptive option: homemade burgers. A burger with no bun and a perfectly round nose of egg yolk, no white – just to show I listen.
But there has to be a sense of ambition to the meal too. We have bundles of fresh asparagus in the fridge which I will grill. I will also make creamy mash, partly because Jordana makes Smash for