says that kids can be cruel. I told her I felt like crying in geography when Chips said: “I bet you eat your dinner off a tectonic plate.” ’
Chips looks up.
‘I forgot I said that.’
He holds the diary by its front cover and lets the pages hang open.
‘This looks like a case for Inspector Zippo,’ he says, but Jordana has already had the same thought – the smell of oil, then flame. Chips waits for the fire to catch hold before dropping the book to the floor. Jordana itches her forearm, scramming it red.
I imagine Zoe thought that recording the cruel things we say to her would be cathartic. A reminder of past embarrassments: like when you don’t bother wiping the pus off the mirror.
We watch the diary burn.
‘Don’t feel bad,’ says Chips. ‘It’s best that Zoe doesn’t remember.’
Except for Jordana and me, everyone vacates the crime scene.
We watch the cremation; the flames glow green as the felt burns. Jordana gets smoke in her eyes; she looks upward and blinks. Everything about Jordana reminds me of fire. The skin on her neck is inflamed and, as a symbol of independence, she has singed the end of her royal-blue tie.
I see that the diary’s lock is burning. It must be made of plastic, not gold.
Nepenthe
I have decided to type Zoe a pamphlet explaining to her how to fit in. I am feeling compunctious.
Clearly, she is not getting the guidance she needs from her parents. Last Christmas, my parents bought me a book called Seven Things Every Successful Teenager Should Know.
I have learnt from it that the most important thing about self-help guides is to use nearly every feature that your word processor has to offer: pictures, text boxes, diagrams, abundant sub-headings.
Also, the key to being a successful teenager is choosing the correct font. Headings should be particularly unattractive.
I use Centaur. Centaurs come from Greek myth; they are creatures with a human head, torso and arms but a horse’s body and legs.
How to Fit In With People You Don’t Like Even When You are an Endomorph
or
The Art of Being Two Species at Once
I
Breaking the Victim Cycle
Victims stay victims because they behave like victims.
Zoe, if something bad happens to you, ignore it. Do not try and talk it out.
Chips is very astute. He knows you are weak because you chat to dinner ladies at lunchtime. He has also seen you write in your diary and, in the same way that he would want to see the X-rays if he broke your nose, he wants to see his name immortalized.
II
Harnessing Your Inner Bully
Bullying is an art form; it can be learnt.
It’s all in your attitude.
Here are some hints on tapping into your latent bully:
Learn to show no shock, pain or embarrassment.
Here are two examples:
I. Do you remember when Rhydian Bird pulled down his trousers in the playground to fart? When he followed through, curling an unhealthy-looking turd on to the tarmac, he didn’t look embarrassed – quite the opposite, he screamed with laughter and pointed. Nobody can tease him about it because he is so proud.
II. During maths, I famously stabbed Paul Gottlied in the back repeatedly with my compass. He said nothing, showed no discomfort as his shirt blossomed with blood poppies. His stoicism reminded me of the brave men who died in the First World War. Every year, on that day, I hold a minute’s silence in his honour.
Exercise I: How to give a Chinese burn
Practise on kitchen roll: how many sheets of Bounty extra-absorbent can you twist and tear through? One sheet is poor, five is excruciating.
III
Finding Your Special Skill
With some training, you will notice that everyone who is not bullied has a special skill. You must find a skill of your own if you wish to fit in.
Fo Chu should be your idol: he is fatter than you, can hardly speak English and yet he flourishes on account of combining two special skills:
I. He always wears brand-new trainers.
II. He propagates the belief that he is a respected member of the Triads.
A nepenthe: something that helps you forget sorrow and suffering, like a bottle of poppers.
IV
Tricking Your Older Self
Bullies don’t write diaries.
Bullies never remember all the bad things they have done, they just remember the good times. Part of the reason for this is that they keep no record of their cruelty. Here is an example of a diary that will never exist:
Diary,
I feel so shitty about Zoe – she’d probably be alright if I got to know her. I can