gossip. And here I am complaining because people leave me in peace.”
He shrugged. “I should be used to it by now. Normally I am, but the spectacle my mother made of Alina was horrendous.”
I sighed and nodded, reaching over to touch him as if I could be of comfort. But I retracted my hand before making contact, reminding myself that he didn’t know me. The touch of a stranger would never be comforting and familiar. “I’ve been very lucky in the grand scheme. I know that. I’ve gone to school and made friends. I’ve been free to pursue my own hobbies. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for your sister, if the rumors of your mother’s schemes are true.”
“My sister would have enjoyed going to school, and I’m sorry she never got that, even if the circle of friends might have been small. Some of my favorite memories are from when I was in school.”
“Holden spoke about school, and I remember being jealous because the boy’s Academy seemed so much more interesting than the girl’s.”
He shrugged as he looked over at me. “I can’t say I’m surprised.” His smile turned crooked, and I had to wonder where his thoughts had gone. “Holden and I have plenty of stories from our time there, but I can’t imagine the girl’s school would have been allowed certain freedoms.”
Just another reminder of the different expectations based on our genders. Girls had vaginas, and that meant all we were capable of was poise and kissing babies, while the boys were taught to lead. “I can only imagine. Your graduate ball was thrilling enough." I laughed, but it was breathless as his eyes held mine.
"Yes," he murmured with a nod as he turned his head to look away from me. "He spoke about inviting you. He was relieved he didn’t need to consider who might be an appropriate date.” The glow of the moon outlined his strong profile, which held a bitter sadness I wished I could ease. “We never met, but I remember telling him when you’d arrived.”
“I'm sorry we didn’t meet." Without expounding, I continued, "I had to leave early."
He stepped back, finally releasing my hand, and it was training alone that stopped me from stepping into his arms and wrapping myself around his strong form. When he spoke, it was a barely heard whisper, "Yes, so I was informed. I was very sorry to hear of your mother’s illness.”
Despite the melancholy reminder, I chuckled at the one truth I knew more than anything. "It appears Holden spoke true. You are very controlled, aren't you, Aric?" I smiled when his gaze cut back to mine, those eyes growing defensive and wary with my observation.
With that one glance, I knew my words could send that control spiraling. The defiant part of me, which I’d worked to suppress in all my years since puberty, speared up. If I was to marry and live a life devoid of love, then why couldn’t I have a single moment when I felt wanted? I desired a moment to be no one but me. No titles and no responsibilities. No duties and no future.
I licked my lips, parting them slightly with a small sigh. His eyes traveled down, fixated on the parting of my mouth. The same hunger I saw in his eyes churned deep within me. But when I stepped forward to do something about it, he held a hand to stop me. "My control only goes so far."
His jaw clenched and my lips curved upward, his words a confirmation that his desire matched my own. A hint of guilt tugged at the back of my mind, reminding me that it would be cruel to toy with a man who wanted me. That using him for my own selfish desires made me no better than the men who did the same to women. But my pending engagement was no secret, and two consenting adults could enjoy a moment of passion without expectations for the future.
Right?
Watching him struggle with the tethers of his control served as the greatest boost to confidence I could have asked for. "And what would you do if I asked you to snap free of that control?"
When he laughed, it was a bitter, self-deprecating sound. "You don’t know what you’re asking of me. You’re too pure a soul for the things a man like me would do to you.”
He couldn’t know that I was all too willing to walk toward the dark, and