or mine in ways we could never anticipate?
Doesn’t make his refusal sit any lighter. I recognize the weight in the pit of my stomach as grief. I felt it when my parents’ marriage ended. I felt it again when mine ended, too. It’s familiar and it’s awful, and I know nothing will fix it except time and grace.
But for now, a good meal will go a long way in helping me cope.
Gliding the stroller back and forth—out of habit—I manage a smile as Samuel strides across the restaurant to greet us.
“Hey, y’all! How’ve you been?” He presses a scruffy kiss into my cheek. My body rings with the memory of a similar kiss, planted in a similar place.
Drawing a sharp breath, I reply, “We’re hanging in there. You have room for a party of one and a half? I promise we’ll be out of here before six.”
Samuel’s handsome face creases into his habitual smile. “We’ll always have room for you, Annabel. That little nugget is always welcome, and y’all definitely don’t have to rush.” He leans down to smile at the baby. “Good Lord, she’s beautiful.”
“Thanks.”
“C’mon, follow me. I got the best table in the house waitin’ for you.”
“If you could put us in a corner, maybe a little ways from other tables, that’d be great.”
“Course. Keep in mind, this is a family-friendly place, Annabel. You don’t have to worry.”
But judging by the white tablecloths and multiple crystal wine glasses holding court at each place setting, I don’t think anyone dines here often except well-heeled adults with expensive wine habits.
He seats us in a cushy leather booth toward the back of the barn. Afternoon sun streams through nearby windows, one of them open to catch the warm spring breeze. Daylight savings time started two weeks ago, so the light inside the restaurant is bright. Strong. Makes me feel like I’m here for lunch or something, when all I want is a dark, moody, buzzy dinner.
I feel so tired, so bummed, that I want to crawl into bed and stay there for a week.
I thank Samuel when he sets down menus and fills my glass with a bottle of sparkling water that has magically appeared (what’s up with all the magically appearing water at this place?).
“He told you,” Samuel murmurs, setting down the bottle.
I look up at him. Parse through all the words in my head. All the things I’m feeling.
“I’m crushed. How are you? How has he been? I feel like a shit for not knowing. Or asking. I had a feeling something was up, but…”
“We’re doing what we can to help. He’s been…all right. Staying busy with the farm. He’s always kept himself in pretty great shape, and now he’s just doing more of that. Eating well, trying to get good rest, exercising like a motherfucker. I’m happy that I can be here with him. We all are. He’d never say as much, but he needs us right now. His family. He needs you. No matter what he says, he needs all of us, Annabel.”
I fold my napkin across my lap. I will not cry in public.
“I’m happy I’m here, too,” I say.
“Cut yourself some slack. About not knowing. He didn’t want to tell you until he was ready. Until you were ready, which he didn’t think you would be considering that little event right there.” Samuel nods at Maisie. “Although I did say he should’ve filled you in right from the beginning. I don’t like secrets.”
“Me neither. But I understand why he did it. I’m just”—I swallow—“so torn up for him.”
Samuel looks at me. “I know. He’s in good hands.”
“He thinks his life is over.”
“He said that?”
“Not in so many words.” I can’t help it. I have to ask. “I disagree. Don’t you?”
“Of course I disagree. That’s—” Samuel sighs, running a hand through his hair. “That’s just him, Annabel. He’s always thinking about the people he loves first. He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. So he’s preparing us for the worst—”
“When really, he should be hoping for the best.”
“Right. I wish I could tell you how to make him see the bright side. I’ve tried. So has Milly, and Mama, and Hank and Rhett. Everyone’s on it. But you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”
“He’s not old.”
“He’s older’n me. Less good-looking, too, but you already know that.” Samuel smiles, and so do I. “Point is, my brother, he’s set in his ways. He’s always been cocky on the outside and serious on the inside. I want him