with it. I don’t know. I don’t even know if the doctors know.” I hadn’t stayed long enough to ask.
“Libby, is he—”
“He’s alive, but it was bad, and now he’ll be in rehab probably, and…” I pressed my lips, trying to keep the keening sound of my crying from escaping. “I know you don’t want to deal with this, and I understand. I do. But he needs someone. He needs someone, Debbie, and I just can’t do it this time. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch him detox. I can’t stand there and let him take it out on me. I’ve been doing everything I could for the past three years and I just can’t do it anymore.”
“No one said you had to, honey,” she said gently. “You can walk away right now and no one is going to think any less of you. Least of all me.”
“But I can’t,” I wailed. “I can’t walk away unless I know someone is taking care of him. Please, Debbie. Do this for me. If you don’t want to do it for him, I understand, but I’m asking you. I’m begging you to do this for me. I won’t be able to function if he’s alone, but I can’t be the one to take care of him this time. Please, Debbie. Please.”
“Okay, sweetie. Okay,” her response was so quiet I barely heard it.
I blinked. Shocked. “You’ll do it?”
“I’ll do it. I’ve been mad a long time. Watching him destroy himself after I’d already lost Serena…” She trailed off, then seemed to rally. “But I took a good long break and let you worry over him for long enough. I can do this now.” I could practically hear her squaring her shoulders and preparing for battle. “I can look out for him so that you can go look out for yourself.”
“Really?” I couldn’t believe she’d do it. “Really? You’ll be there? You’re not just saying that?”
“I really will, Libby. I will.” Her voice was shaky. “And I’m so sorry. It’s clear I’ve let you do this for too long, sweetie. And I’m sorry about that. I should have realized what it was doing to you. I should have checked in. I should have done something. I’m sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. Just…thank you, Debbie,” I cried as my relief made my tears increase, and all my energy soaked into the floor.
“If you want to thank me, you need to go take care of yourself. You let me take care of our boy. I’ve got him. You don’t have to do it anymore.”
“I do love him, you know? He’s my dearest friend and I want so many good things for him and—”
“Oh, honey. No one could doubt that for a minute. It hurts though, doesn’t it? Loving someone that much?”
Tear after tear coursed down my face, dripping from my chin. “Yeah.”
“So you just leave him to me. He’s gonna get some tough mom love, and he and I will both be happier knowing that you’re taking care of yourself.”
I pinched my eyes shut, more of my endless tears squeezing out. “I feel so selfish,” I admitted in a bare whisper.
“No, honey. This is the bravest thing you could do. Take it from someone who’s been there. There’s nothing worse than resenting someone because you loved them too much to let them fail.”
I didn’t respond. My sobs had choked off my ability to speak.
“Go be happy, Libby. That’s an order. I love you.” And with that she hung up and I let the phone slip from my fingers.
I sat on my floor for a long time. I didn’t remember sitting down in the middle of my entryway, but that’s where I had ended up. And that’s where I stayed as my brain made an attempt to process my new reality. I should be skipping around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!” But instead I was just alone. I thought about going to my piano and playing, but even that held no appeal. I needed someone.
I needed my dad. I needed him desperately enough that I peeled myself off the floor and forced back my tears enough that I could drive.
The ten-minute trip to his house was done in survival mode as I held the pieces of my heart together until I could get to him.
My knocking was frantic and the second the door opened, I broke down crying.
He reached out to me with a panicked you’re-crying-and-I-don’t-know-what-to-do face. “Libby. What’s wrong?”
“I can’t take care of him anymore.