Our parents still worked quite a bit. My mother was an assistant principal at a high school that year, and my father was a school counselor at an elementary school.”
She took a deep breath and continued, “One night, my friends asked me out to a party. I was pretty excited. People had been talking about this for weeks. I got dressed in one of my favorite outfits.” She smiled sadly, shaking her head. “Combed my hair just so… I had just gotten it done, too, with money I’d earned working at Subway. As I was leaving the house…” she paused, took a moment, “Tamia started grunting… moving about. I could hear her trying to get my attention. I was… I was so irritated. I turned to her and said, ‘Stop it. You’re trying to manipulate and guilt trip me. I will be back in a few hours. I need time away.’ I felt like Mom and Dad were there, Zonnell was there, she’d be fine.
“I went to the party. Smoked a little weed, drank a bit, danced with Jason Monfrey… a boy I liked at college. He was two years older than me. Smart, sexy, popular and somehow, I managed to catch his attention…” She looked down and shook her head as the tears started to fall in earnest. “We made out in his car. I had him stop at the last second. He wasn’t happy about that, but accepted it. I asked if he would take me home. He said yes. After he dropped me off at about two in the morning, I went inside the house. It was quiet. Everyone was asleep. I took off my clothes, still happy because at least he’d kissed me goodnight and told me he’d call me the next day. I got in the shower, humming, singing songs. After I was done, I put on my pajamas and went into Tamia’s room to check on her. She had her own room now that everyone was gone. I went in there… and… I screamed.
She closed her eyes, shutting herself away from the world for a moment. “I screamed… and screamed… There she was, lying on the floor, blood seeping from her head all over the place. Her eyes were looking straight up, glazed over. Somehow, she’d fallen. It was later stated that she must’ve tripped over her nightgown some kind of way. She hit her head hard and bled out. I remember my parents and brother entering the room, and then, everything moving in slow motion. I couldn’t help but feel responsible. If I had only been there. If I hadn’t gone out… My last words to her had been so dismissive, so rude…” Tear after tear slid down her cheeks. “I had felt like she’d been holding me back. I felt like—”
“Stop.” She did, her face etched with confusion as she dabbed at her tears with her napkin. “You know, logically, you’re not to blame. No one blames you; in fact, everyone who loved her, and I imagine that was a lot of people, are probably blaming themselves. She came into the world a gift. She left also a gift. She saw the beauty of being free, even if only in her own mind. And if she could learn to be free, while cooped up in a house for most of her life, with the exception of the never-ending doctor’s appointments and physical therapy sessions, then surely, you can repay her by setting yourself free?” They locked gazes for what seemed like forever. “This is probably the longest period of time I’ve gone without cursing.”
They both burst out laughing. When she was done drying her face, she spread the napkin over her lap, real slow, meticulously.
“I saw a grief therapist after her death, Nix. I went through a depression. I’ve discussed it… many times in the past.” She shrugged. “But never have I talked about Tamia and the conversation went this way.”
“Well, there’s a first for everything, right?”
“Your turn. I want to know a truth about you, and not something silly or mundane. Something excruciating. Something lurid. Something scandalous, gut-wrenching, or just plain ugly.” He picked up his glass of wine, wishing for a buzz he doubted he’d receive. Running his finger up and down the glass, he finally set it back down and basked in her beauty. Her openness.
“You are the other side of my coin.” She threw him a look of curiosity. “I know the pain you just shared. I know