wants to communicate. He has opened up to me and told me he felt lonely after the dinner party was over. That is major for him. He doesn’t say things like that typically. Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Okay, I am going to take this slowly, and see how it goes. Dad obviously wants me to open up to him more. Here goes nothing…
“No, not at all. It’s never an act. It’s who I am. See, I find women who actually like guys like me, Dad. There are women who crave to be dominated, especially by who they consider attractive, successful men. Not told what to do, not treated like shit, not beat up—no, no, that’s not sexy; that’s not what I do—this is consensual, and it happens behind closed doors, if you will.”
The old man’s eyes lit up. He was finally catching on. “Our society is lacking alpha men right now. Now, there are guys thinking that cryin’ and acting like a pussy, being extra sensitive, will make a woman love them. Women say they want a man with sensitivity, but a lot of them actually don’t. What they actually want is someone who shuts up and listens to their problems, takes care of those problems, fucks them ruthlessly, and puts them in their fucking place without laying one damn hand on them. I’m that man. But, I have a critical flaw.”
“Which is?” Dad took a sip of his juice.
Nixon was perplexed yet intrigued by his father’s calm demeanor. He expected a bolder, contentious reaction.
“The problem is I at times pair this with brutality.”
“Brutality? What the hell are you doin’?”
“I can be intentionally mean. It turns me on. I tend to do it when I feel like I am losing control of a situation. If I start feeling less appreciated, or the woman I am dating seems to be trying me, testing the waters, seeing how far she can push me, it upsets me. Women do that sometimes because they are in fact testing us, sometimes it is to receive incredible make-up sex, but sometimes it’s all in my mind, and I am man enough to admit that. I sometimes like to break people, Dad.”
“Beat people up?”
“Not so much physically. The daily home work-outs and martial arts pretty much take care of that desire, but mentally, intellectually and emotionally. I like to tear people to pieces. Find their faults, their weaknesses, and exploit them.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“It is.”
“I bet that’s why you’re such a good lawyer, huh?”
“Probably. Oddly enough though, I like to elevate people, too. I really like solving complications and helping people reach their goals. I’m an oxymoron. It’s a problem.” He reached for his glass of wine and took a sip. “It’s not how I should be operating. I know this from a logical standpoint. I know this isn’t something you do to someone you care about. I do care about the women I’ve done this to, but I do it anyway. It’s the darkness in me.”
“Do you blame me or your mother for being like that, Nix? I’d like to think we were good parents, but nobody is perfect. The divorce maybe?” Nixon shook his head. “I made a lotta mistakes. I know the drinking probably affected you. I can admit that now; I don’t hold onto pride anymore… and I really have none left to hold onto.”
Nix’s heart dropped to his feet. He’d never seen his father so open, so vulnerable.
“You and Ma have nothing to do with this. No one put it there.” Nixon shrugged. “It just exists. I’m aware of it, so I try to watch it. That’s the best I can do. But it didn’t stop me from hurtin’ my share. After a while, once I realized what I was doing, I started listening to these motivational speeches. I would read self-help and psychology books, too. I started to identify myself in some of them and understand better what was going on with me. Most importantly though, I began to write little inspirational sayings on paper, and place them in a jar. Each morning, I pick one and read it. I’ve been doing that for a couple years now, and it really helps.” Dad nodded in understanding. “It helps me stay on track. I needed regulation. Some humanity. I needed to better control myself.”
“Yeah, it’s good that you recognize what’s going on, and you found some relief, but why would ya wanna do some shit like that, Nix? If it wasn’t the divorce or