replaced by a punch in the muzzle. This puppy will learn that the world is irrational. That the world is hateful. This puppy will grow into a dog who knows that the only thing it can rely on are its teeth. This puppy will die of a broken heart and in its place will be a mangy, bad-tempered dog.
That is pretty much what happened to Mary Renfro. She saw Satan in Terminal C of the Charlotte-Douglas International Airport at eight o’clock on a Monday morning and within two weeks she had gone from being a nun who craved order and predictability to a woman betrayed by every belief she ever had. Being tricked into killing herself by Saint Jude as a pawn in Heaven’s campaign against Hell had been the last straw. Any trace of the old Sister Mary that had remained in her heart was burned away when her body shattered on the rocks of the Seventh Circle.
Now she stood in the offices of Hell, a Marlboro Red burning in one hand and a bottle of Kahlua in the other. She wasn’t a very convincing smoker, and she wasn’t a very good drinker but she was determined to give them both her best shot. This was the new Mary Renfro. She still wore her habit. You were, after all, stuck for eternity in the clothes you wore when your soul was removed.
Nero suddenly stumbled in, carrying a limp, passed-out Satan in his arms like the Creature from the Black Lagoon carrying Julie Adams.
“Help me,” he said.
“Help yourself,” Mary Renfro answered, knocking back another slug of Kahlua.
Nero’s arms gave out and he dropped Satan like a bag of wet concrete. Satan didn’t even react.
“That’s not a good sign,” Mary said, and lit another Marlboro Red.
“Isn’t that bad for the baby?” Nero asked.
“It’s Satan’s baby, so no. These things are like vitamins as far as it’s concerned. Besides, I’m never actually going to give birth. I’ m dead and pregnant for all eternity.”
“Get his feet,” Nero said. “Let’s get him onto the couch.”
They took hold of Satan and carry/dragged him across the room and dropped him onto a black vinyl couch patched with duct tape.
“Seriously,” Mary said. “What happens now? Nothing’s going on down here. Everyone’s been glued to cable trying to see what’s going on.”
“Nothing good is going to happen,” Nero said. “We’re going to have to sell Hell to pay this court settlement. There’s no other way.”
“Sell it to who?” Mary asked.
“Heaven,” Nero said. “But there are other bidders. Our only hope is to win the Ultimate Death Match. That will buy us some breathing room at the very least. There’re some rich Chinese real estate speculators who might make an offer on Hell, we can use the time to get a bidding war going and maybe drive up the price to something we can live with. How’s our wrestler?
“Yeah,” Mary said. “About that...”
“What did you do?” Nero asked.
“I didn’t do anything,” Mary said.“I just turned my back for a second and he threw himself into the center of an active volcano down on the Tenth Circle. I mean, he’s all burned up.”
Nero considered all the angles.
Then he ventured:
“You mean we have no wrestler for the Ultimate Death Match?”
“Not unless you want to get in the ring,” Mary said.
“It’s all over,” Satan moaned from the sofa. He began to bang his head rhythmically against the vinyl.
“Say something,” Mary hissed at Nero. “He’s your friend.”
“This isn’t the end, sir,” Nero said, doing his best Winston Churchill impersonation. “ We’re Hell. You are – in point of fact – the very Devil himself. You thrive on adversity.”
“I don’t think it’s usually this much adversity,” Mary said.
“Not a good time to experiment with sarcasm,” Nero said, then turned back to Satan. “Those fluffy, flying marshmallows have forgotten what you are capable of. You can’t back down now.”
“Actually, we could try to cut a deal,” Mary said.
“The going has gotten tough, now we must get going. Unless we seize the day and overcome incredible odds, everything we’ve ever worked for shall be destroyed. Carpe diem shall be our battle cry. Now, I’ve seized this problem in my mental mitts and what I think – ”
“No,” Satan whispered. “We’re not going to do anything. We’re not going to come from behind and score an unlikely victory. There’s not going to be any surprise ending. A long time ago the Heavenly Host decided they wanted Hell. And now they’re going to have it.”
“Sir,” Nero said.