The Saddest Song - By Susie Kaye Lopez Page 0,19

and I knew it was keeping him going. Still, I watched him for cracks. I spent a lot of my time watching. The happy go lucky kid I had been was buried next to my brother.

Chapter 8

Rainey

The days have a way of passing, and so they passed, some worse than others, and I persevered through them one after another. I tried not to look backwards and there seemed nothing to look forward to, so I existed in the here and now. The stares of my fellow students slowly tapered off, the rumors about Max and I never quite taking hold. Anyone who had known Garrett and I were simply not buying it. They had eyes and they could see the shell of the girl they had known.

The Rainey Martin they remembered smiled as she held hands with Garrett, this Rainey held tightly to her sanity with both hands, although they probably weren’t sure that I wouldn’t give in and let go. So, when it came to the twin, how could any of them begrudge me the comfort of Max?

And what about Max? He too, was a shell of his former self. Half of a perfect set. Missing his match. I was missing mine too. Surely everyone could see that it was as natural as breathing for us to try and fill the void with each other.

This must have been the reason that I began to fear something happening to Max. I had nightmares where he died too, and came to me as a ghost telling me to get over it, he needed to be with his twin. I bonded more closely with Mrs. McKinley as I shared her anxiety over the safety and health of her only remaining child. I waited to eat while I was with him so that he would eat too. I told him I was frightened by fast driving because of the accident so he would drive slower and with more caution. I avoided calling him late at night when my loneliness was at its height so that he could get the sleep I knew he needed.

My clock hadn’t turned off in a couple of weeks and there had been no more messages by either candy or text. I began to count the time since Garrett died in months, not days. Two months that felt like two years. The memories of the last time I had seen him felt less crisp, more fragmented in my memory. So many moments that I would have memorized had I only knew they were our last.

If he were here now he would be in the midst of his beloved football season. The joy he felt when the team made it to CIF last year was immeasurable so I secretly rejoiced this season whenever I heard that the team had lost a game. I didn’t want them to win and have Garrett miss out on another championship.

My selfishness was immature, and I knew Garrett would never want the team to lose whether he was there playing for them or not. I couldn’t even watch the team play. I wished they would just forfeit the whole season in his honor. Instead they wore his name on wristbands and had a moment of silence for him at the first home game. I sat with Max and his parents and when I closed my eyes I pictured Garrett last year, pulling off his helmet at the end of every game, smiling at me up in the bleachers, win or lose. I’d meet him, my voice hoarse from cheering, his hair wet from the shower, outside the gym and we’d kiss…We made it through half of the game. Max whispered in my ear and we escaped during half time. Football was no longer a part of any of our lives. As far as we were concerned, football was dead too.

It was while Max and I were driving home one Friday afternoon that he shocked me by bringing up Homecoming. Up until this point I had tried not to think about it, or look at the posters lining the school halls. When girls were talking about their dates or dresses I found an excuse to leave the class or change the subject. Even Caitlynn had not mentioned a thing about it and I had no idea if she had plans to attend.

“Rainey, what do you want to do about Homecoming this year?” Max said, his voice calm and matter of fact.

“Pretend it doesn’t exist,” I said.

“Kind