The Saddest Song - By Susie Kaye Lopez Page 0,18
thing to do. I never ever wanted to forget him. I was afraid that too many days without him would make the memories fade away.
“You coming?” Max asked gently, standing in his doorway.
“Of course.” I kept my eyes on him and followed him into his room. He picked up his guitar and sat on the corner of his bed while I sat on the couch and listened to him strum the guitar, his fingers picking out a haunting melody, slow and beautiful.
When he finished I smiled. “Max, you are so talented. That was really, really beautiful. It sounded like the saddest song. Does it have lyrics?” I asked, curious.
“Sad, huh? I’m not done with it yet. You know I have to get the melody done before I can write the lyrics.”
“Well, I can’t wait to hear them.”
“Hi Max! Hi Rainey! I see you found the brownies.” Mrs. McKinley came in and hugged each of us. We filled her in on our first day of senior year, leaving out the nasty parts. She didn’t question us and seemed to be holding up pretty well.
“Rainey, did Garrett turn off your clock last night?” She had gotten into the habit of asking me every day. I didn’t mind, it was one of the highlights of my day.
“He did! I was smart enough to set my alarm on my phone instead so I didn’t oversleep!”
She laughed and her eyes lit up when she said, “I think I felt him around me today. When I was making the brownies the timer turned itself off twice. I think he knew I would need him today. It was a long day without you guys.”
“You didn’t feel like going to Yoga?” I asked.
“No, I haven’t since…it’s funny, the only time I leave the house is to go to the grocery store. I know I need to. I just walked next door to see Linda and you should have seen her face! She looked so surprised. I need to get my life back so Garrett isn’t worried. We all do.”
She looked pointedly at the two of us.
“We’re trying mom. I played my new song for Rainey. Do you want to hear it?”
“Sure, I’d love to, what’s it called?” She asked, sitting down next to me on the couch.
Max looked at me and answered her as he began to pick out the notes. “It’s called The Saddest Song.”
Max
School has a way of creating a pattern that is easy to follow without expending an abundance of emotion or energy. I welcomed the routine. Living without Garrett was like learning a new language, difficult and foreign. The friends I had shared with my brother were too careful not to mention his name, when I actually might have liked remembering the good old days. Memories of Garrett never left me anyway, might as well share some of them. But no, the subject never came up. They all stuck to neutral topics when I was present. I got it. I made the guys a little uncomfortable. The girls were even worse. They felt sorry for me. They wanted to make it all better. To be honest, they just threw themselves at me. Once I would have welcomed that, but right now I had lost all interest.
My relationship with Rainey became my primary focus. Only with her could I be myself and if we were both careful around each other it was only to protect one another. We didn’t want to send the other into a tailspin. Whatever we were, it worked for both of us. She was my brother’s biggest joy, his first and his last love. How much of him remained on this earth remained in her. When people dropped innuendos about the two of us, I would ignore them. Surviving Garrett was a full time job and she was my co-worker. I didn’t care if they didn’t understand. Making them happy wasn’t my goal. Keeping Rainey and myself alive was my goal, and being a son to be proud of was now my biggest burden. I had to be all things for my parents and make up for the huge, gaping hole in our lives.
When Rainey smiled, I smiled. When mom told us she went over to visit her friend next door I felt that I had won another round. Dad seemed to be bouncing back quickest but I knew a lot of that was because he felt it was his role to be the strong, protective provider. He took it seriously