The Saddest Song - By Susie Kaye Lopez Page 0,13

to help mom out.

“No Dad, I’m really not up to it. I’m finished. Thank you anyway, Mom.” I stood up and carried my plate to the sink, watching as the food disappeared into the garbage disposal. I gave them both a smile that felt phony and forced. I said goodnight and retreated back to my room, feeling stricken when I saw my clock announcing 7:03. I glanced at the M&M’s still arranged in a smile and wondered if he was here now, or over at his house, or gone forever. And if indeed he was here right now, what good would it do if I couldn’t see him, feel him, breathe him?

I thought about calling Max, but decided against it. I was relying more and more on him as the days went by and how fair was that? Max had his own problems to deal with, and his parents on top of it. I needed to rely on myself but I craved his calm presence and the way he made me feel better, less alone. Maybe it was because he was Garrett’s twin. I didn’t really think that was it though. Max was just like that. He could always make you calm down and see things a little clearer. Once when Garrett and I had a fight I had started crying and went into the bathroom between the twins’ rooms. Garrett was upset too and left me to my tears, but Max had coaxed me in to opening up the door and had helped me get a grip and realize how silly the argument was. When I returned to Garrett and worked it all out I remember how he had leaned his head into Max’s room and said, “Hey thanks bro,” as we left arm in arm.

The following night I was in my room moping. It had been just dad and me for dinner and he had brought home my favorite, quesadillas from Alberto's, a hole- in- the wall taco shop that we love. I still had no appetite and the day had been sad because Garrett’s mom wanted us to help her sort through his clothes and decide what to keep and what should be donated or given to friends. We all ended up so emotional and so unable to choose that I had come home with his favorite jacket and my three favorite shirts and all the rest got put back exactly where we had found them. Max told us it was too soon. It was never going to be a task I could help with and I told them not to even tell me when they actually gave things away. I sat at the dinner table telling my dad about it and he just started to cry. Seeing my dad cry was just horrifying enough to start me crying again. Dad apologized over and over.

“Lamb, I am so sorry, but it just really hit me that this tragedy is real. I keep expecting Garrett to walk in and start telling me about his football practice or ask me to shoot hoops in the driveway. I just can’t make sense out of such a loss.”

Neither of us had been able to eat a thing and I left dad to wrap up the food to put in the fridge as I retreated to my room. I put on Garrett’s jacket and curled up on my bed when I heard the sound of voices coming up the stairs.

Mom and Caitlynn came through my doorway, each of them with their arms full of shopping bags. They smiled cheerfully and dumped the bags on the end of the bed.

“What is all this?” I asked, as I rose to hug each of them.

“This is your back to school wardrobe!” Mom gave me her stubborn look, daring me to argue with her. “I picked up Caitlynn and we spent the afternoon shopping. I knew you weren’t up to it and I know you are going through hell right now, but I am your mom and I can at least help you get prepared for your senior year.”

“Rainey, check these out, you will love them!” Caitlynn pulled out at least a dozen items from a bag and began to hold up dresses, shorts, and tops. Opening another bag she showed me new tennis shoes and sandals and even a cute pair of black heels. If I had been my old happy self I would have been gushing at the array of cute clothing, but I