I understood. In keeping with the wildlife theme, I hunted until I found a bird headline to go with the bunny and the squirrel. “Rhinestone Vest-Wearing Pigeon Reunited with Family.”
“Why would anyone put a pigeon in a vest? Why was it wearing rhinestones? It seems to have flown off, but it’s wearing clothes. Can I have half a point?”
“You can. So, what’s your guess?”
“1920s party, and someone brought their pet pigeon, but it flew away.”
I laughed, as reality was far stranger than Rick’s guess. “The vest is a diaper so the bird can fly in their home without leaving poop everywhere.”
“Take away my half a point. I’m not worthy.”
Still laughing, I replied, “I never would have guessed a pigeon wearing a diaper.”
“I’m still stuck on someone having a pet pigeon. Add in the vest, and that’s a spectacular article.”
“It really is. It gets better. The owner replaced some of the pigeon’s bling with Swarovski crystals.”
“That bird is obviously loved and spoiled.” Rick snickered and shook his head. “The world is a strange place.”
That it was.
The hospital grudgingly released me in the morning, and as to plan, my brother and his menace of a bride left on their honeymoon. I foresaw disaster, but as I’d done since learning he wanted to marry a thoroughbride, I kept my opinions mostly to myself.
My game with Rick ended in a draw, which I found a lot funnier than he did.
“The scoring of this game is obviously flawed,” he announced while wheeling me towards freedom. “I should have won.”
“You would have, if you hadn’t forfeited half a point to the bling-encrusted pigeon,” I reminded him.
“For one brief moment, victory had been mine.”
“Very brief. All of twenty seconds.”
“How is your head feeling?”
“It’ll feel a lot better when I have my milkshake. Then I’m going to go home, review all the wedding receipts, and figure out how much that damned wedding ultimately cost, how much she lost him in cancelled bookings, and how long it’ll take me to pay everyone back for standing in. I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell my brother about that. He’ll get pissy.”
By pissy, I meant he’d blow his top. Both of us blowing our tops at the same time wouldn’t work well. I was about three hours from my first midlife crisis, and damnit, if anyone pushed me, I’d be sorely tempted to bail town, disappear, and show up on Christmas and Thanksgiving because if I didn’t, I’d disappoint our parents.
I could cope with two days each year dealing with my brother’s bitch of a bride.
I needed to get over my grudge sooner than later for the sake of my sanity.
“Your brother doesn’t care about money when he should,” Rick conceded.
“Where have you been all his life? Why aren’t you a woman? You could have married my brother instead. That way, he’d have a sensible wife instead of a walking, greedy disaster.”
“I’d make a terrible woman.”
He’d probably be a gorgeous woman so far out of my brother’s league it hurt to think about it. Hell, Rick was so far out of my league it hurt to think about it. He was so far out of my league I considered asking him to invoice me for wasting his time. “Think about it this way: man or woman, your dog will still love you.”
“I’m not sold on the whole being a woman thing. I love women.”
“Women who love other women are called lesbians. I’m friends with a few. They’re cool chicks. They’d love she-you.”
“Can I stay he-me, please?”
“Got a lady you like?”
“I do.”
Bummer. “Lucky lady.”
“She has no idea how lucky she is. I’ve no idea how to approach her. I’m strapped for time,” he admitted. “Hey. Would you consider planning a wedding for hire? As a professional planner? You did a spectacular job with your brother’s wedding. I’d pay handsomely.”
Ugh. More weddings. I considered asking to be executed to be put out of my misery, but Rick had stayed the night with me in the hospital despite having come overseas to attend my brother’s wedding. “For a friend?”
“Family member. Mat’s met her. She’s a lot nicer than Amy, but if given a chance, she’d probably run for the border. Neither bride nor groom like each other too much, but they love their families. I’m hoping that’ll change. It’s a political wedding. Our families fight a lot, and being in-laws would help—or so everyone believes. She came up with the idea. I figure if you can handle someone like Amy, you can handle