Jeff.
She sat down and started explaining the report to Jeff but Carlo’s conversation caught her attention. She didn’t like eaves dropping but she was too interested in his half, she couldn’t help but listen.
“No, you’re not suckering me into that diaper changing routine again,” he laughed.
There was silence and Kate held her breath, hoping he wasn’t talking about what she thought he was talking about.
But he was. “I love the kids, but there’s no way I’m going over there again. My Daddy days are over for a long time,” he said, then laughed at whatever the person was saying on the other end.
Kate couldn’t concentrate on what Jeff was saying and had to ask him to repeat himself. She felt like her blood was freezing in her system, she was so cold.
Kate reminded herself that she’d known all along that Carlo wasn’t a candidate for parenthood. She had heard him say that before so it shouldn’t be a shock. Why was her heart breaking now, then?
Because she’d deluded herself into thinking she might be wrong. She had been hoping that Carlo really did want to be a father, have his own children. He’d seemed to genuinely adore his nieces and nephews. Why was he so opposed to fatherhood?
She knew the answer to that. He’d told her himself several weeks ago. Being an uncle was the best of both worlds. He got to spend time with his nieces and nephews, spoil them, play with them but then hand them back to their parents and go do whatever he wanted to do. He liked his freedom too much. Who could blame him? Many people agreed with him. Unfortunately, they went on to have children and resent them after time, ignored them or abused them. Carlo was admitting up front that he didn’t want to have children. He was accepting that part of himself.
Could she accept it?
Kate didn’t know the answer to that.
She looked at Jeff and he was waiting for an answer. She forced her concentration back to the task at hand, refusing to listen to Carlo’s conversation anymore. It was none of her business so she should keep her nose out of it.
By the end of the day, Kate had a headache so bad that she couldn’t think anymore.
“I have to get home,” she said to all three of them.
Carlo stood up and followed her into her office. “What’s wrong?” he asked as soon as they were alone.
“I just have a really bad headache,” she said and took her purse. “Can we hold off on our plans tonight?”
“Sure. Let me drive you home. You look pretty awful,” he said.
“No, please. Don’t worry about me. All I need is a warm bath and some aspirin and I’ll be fine. I’ll call you later,” she said and left her office.
Kate went home and curled up on her bed, not bothering with a bath. She let the tears fall onto her pillow, sobbing out her despair. She felt like she’d just had a dream ripped out of her hands.
After an hour of crying, she pulled herself together. She knew she was in love with Carlo. What she didn’t know was if she could continue to see him knowing how he felt about having children. She knew she desperately wanted children. At least two, possibly more.
Could she live without Carlo? The idea almost started the tears flowing again. She didn’t want to consider living without him. She loved him so desperately. He made her laugh, challenged her as no one ever had before, and made her feel beautiful and unique.
So if she didn’t want to live without Carlo, could she live with him but without children? Around two in the morning, she realized that yes, she could live with him but not have children. She could find other things to ease her mothering instincts. Many women lived wonderful lives without children. She’d just have to find a way.
The alarm went off the next morning but she just couldn’t wake up enough to get out of bed. She shut it off and went back to sleep. Two hours later, her phone rang. Still drugged by sleep, she had trouble figuring out that it was her phone and not her alarm clock. By the time she answered it, the person had almost hung up.
“Kate? Where are you?” Carlo asked, the worry evident in his voice.
“Hmmm? I’m not feeling well,” she lied, not able to face anyone today.
“I’m coming over.”
“No!” she said, sitting up in bed. “Really, it