take a deep breath. It feels like my chest has been cracked open, and I’m just waiting on someone to check out my insides and decide if it’s worthy or not. All of a sudden, I’m transplanted back into elementary school and wondering if the girls will like me.
It’s ridiculous. I know that. But I can’t help it.
“Would you?” she asks again.
Would I?
Despite the impracticality of making a long-distance relationship work with Holt, I know I would try. I’d at least commit to giving it a trial period to see what would happen.
The idea makes me squirm.
“If he wanted to have that sort of a relationship with me, I would,” I say slowly.
My cheeks heat as I look up at the sun and wonder if I just jinxed myself. Even if I didn’t, I’ll probably recall this moment later in a rush of humiliation when it becomes apparent that he wants nothing of the sort or doesn’t want to work it out.
“I would try,” I say hurriedly, building in an out for later. “I don’t know if it would work. It doesn’t seem feasible.”
“You never know until you try.”
“True,” I admit. “Which is why I said I’d give it a shot. But this whole conversation is pointless to begin with because we aren’t in a relationship now. We’re just …”
My voice drifts off as I fail to come up with the proper term.
What are we doing?
Saying that we are having a multi-night stand doesn’t seem accurate anymore. I don’t recall having that kind of pillow talk we shared last night with other men I slept with.
But I don’t know what to call it.
“It’s okay not to know,” Sienna says. “Sometimes things get super messy before they get cleaned up. I mean, Walker practically hated me at first.”
I laugh. “I don’t think he hated you.”
“Eh, I think he did.” She laughs too. “And then we had the whole thing that had to get taken care of—which we don’t need to talk about.”
I wince at the bitterness in her tone.
“Anyway,” she continues, “I think you’re in a good spot with him. It’ll work out if it’s supposed to.”
“Yeah.”
She sighs. “Listen—unless you’re fucking like rabbits and not doing anything else together, he must like something about you, or he would’ve asked you to leave.”
“I … Well, we’ve only slept together once since I started staying here. While that feels like a travesty, maybe it’s a good thing.”
“Oh, wow.”
“I don’t know what that wow means, exactly,” I say, wincing.
She laughs. “It’s a good thing. It means that he’s not just using you for a booty call.”
“If he is, he doesn’t need a lot of booty.”
She laughs harder. “Now that would be a travesty. If you can hook up with a man like that, he better want all the sex. Otherwise, it would almost be rude.”
I shake my head and grin. “You’re right. But you know what? I like him more because he doesn’t want all the sex despite going to bed every night completely frustrated sexually.”
“I can’t even begin to imagine.”
“But that’s why I’m in this predicament,” I say. “I can walk away from sexual encounters like nothing. There are no strings, no attachments. If they cop an attitude the next day or never want to see me again—what do I care? They’ve served their purpose. But with Holt …”
Sienna sighs softly. “You like him, don’t you? As in, really like him?”
My heart thunders in my chest.
I know the answer to this question. There are many things I like about Holt. The fact that I’m still here, at his house, was my first clue. I couldn’t stand most men this long.
But if I admit it out loud, would it change things? Would I look at him and think about confessing it to Sienna? Would he notice something different and back away?
“I just …” I clear my throat. “He’s pretty great.”
“I’ll say it for you. Yes, Sienna. I like Holt.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re such a brat.”
She giggles.
“Look,” I say, moving around in my seat again, “I don’t know what he’s thinking. We had an interesting night last night. We talked. We talked about a lot of really personal things, and I think it’s warped my brain a little bit. I’ll get it all situated inside my head today, and everything will be fine.”
“You don’t have to rationalize yourself out of this, Blaire. It’s okay to like him.”
“I know. It’s just not … feasible. And I think he thinks the same thing. I mean …”
I