“It’s fortunate you didn’t or this nice shag we’ve just enjoyed? Never would’ve happened.” I shook my head slowly with a smile.
He tickled me at the ribs and made me squeal. “So it was just a nice shag for you, huh?”
“Ethan!” I batted his hands away and scrambled to the edge of the bed.
He dragged me back and pinned me beneath him, a huge grin on his face. “Brynne,” he drawled.
And then he kissed me. Just slow and soft and gentle, but it felt intimate and special. Ethan settled me against his side and adjusted our bodies under the sheets, his heavy arm draped over and securing me. I felt myself grow sleepy in the warm bed with him. I knew it was a bad idea. Rules are rules and I was breaking them.
“I shouldn’t stay the night, Ethan; I really need to go…”
“No, no, no, I want you here with me,” he insisted, speaking into my hair.
“But I shouldn’t—”
“Shhhhhhh,” he interrupted me like he had many times before and kissed my words away. He stroked over my head, trailing his fingers through my hair. I couldn’t fight him. Not after tonight. The security felt too wonderful, my body too drained from all the orgasms, his hard strength too comfortable for me to battle him on the issue. So I slept.
…The terrors are real. They come in the night when I sleep. I try to fight them but they nearly always win. Everything is dark because my eyes are closed. But I hear the sounds. Cruel words about someone, disgusting words and names. And terrifying laughter… They think it’s funny to degrade this person. My body feels heavy and weak. Still I hear them laughing and replaying all of the evil they have done…
I woke up screaming and alone in Ethan’s bed. I figured out where I was when he came crashing into the bedroom, eyeballs wide. I started crying the minute I saw him. The sobs just got louder when he sat on the bed and grabbed me.
“It’s okay—I’ve got you.” He rocked me against his chest. Ethan was dressed and I was still naked. “You just had a bad dream, that’s all.”
“Where did you go?” I managed to ask in between gasps.
“I was just in my office—these f**king Olympics—I work at night lately...” He pressed his lips to my head. “I was right here the whole time until you fell asleep.”
“You should have taken me home! I told you I wouldn’t stay the night!” I struggled to get out of his arms.
“Christ, Brynne, what is the problem? It’s two a.m. in the bloody morning. You are exhausted. Can’t you just—why won’t you sleep here?”
“I don’t want it. It’s too much! I can’t do it, Ethan!” I pushed against his chest.
“Jesus Christ! You let me bring you to my house and f**k you wildly but you won’t sleep in my bed for a few hours?” He brought his face down to mine. “Talk. Why are you scared here with me?”
He looked hurt and sounded more than a little offended. And I felt like a cruel bitch on top of being an emotional, f**ked-up mess. He also looked beautiful in his faded jeans and soft grey t-shirt. His hair was all mussed and he needed a shave around his goatee, but he looked as devastatingly gorgeous as usual, even more so because I was seeing the intimate Ethan, the one he did not show in public.
I started crying again and telling him I was sorry. I really meant it too. I was sorry that parts of me were damaged and broken but it didn’t change the facts either.
“I’m not scared with you. It’s so complicated, Ethan. I’m—I am sorry!” I scrubbed at my face.
“Shhhhhhh…there’s nothing to be sorry for. You just had a bad dream.” Ethan reached for a box of tissue beside the bed and handed it to me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” I managed to sputter through three tissues.
“That’s fine, Brynne. When you feel comfortable you can if you want to.” His hand rubbing circles on my back felt wonderful, I just didn’t want to close my eyes again in case I fell back to sleep. He pulled me down on the mattress with him. “Let me hold you for a while?”
I nodded.
“I’ll be right here until you fall asleep and if you wake and you don’t see me, I’m just across the main room in my office. The light will be on. I would never leave you alone in my house. You’re totally safe here with me. Security guy, remember?”
I grabbed more tissues and blew my nose; utterly wreaked and mortified at the situation. I did my best to bluff my way out of it though, and I knew what I was going to do. I gave a soft laugh at his joke and let him tuck me back into his bed. I faced his chest and breathed in the scent I absolutely loved and tried to remember how beautiful it was. I focused on the feel of Ethan holding me safe, and the warmth of his big body. I tried to capture it all in my head, because I would not get this experience again.
I pretended to fall sleep.
I evened my breathing and faked it. And after a while I felt him slide off the bed and slip out of the room. I even heard the sound of his bare feet padding across the wooden floor. I watched the clock and gave it another five minutes before I got up.
I walked out into Ethan’s living room buck-ass naked and scooped up my clothes. I removed his deep purple tie from the pile and smoothed it before draping it over the arm of his sofa, folded in half. I wished I could take it with me as a remembrance.