it from you, baby. I love you so much. And I thought maybe... but I heard you last night. I wasn’t giving you everything you need. You need more too, and that’s really all right. It’s inevitable. We must have been fools to think something like this could ever work out.”
It takes a while. More than a minute. I sit hugging my stomach and processing what he’s said for so long that he shifts uncomfortably.
“Clarke? Are you okay?”
And it clicks. All of it clicks in a wave of understanding and relief and pure joy. I let out a little sob and reach over to swat at his chest with both hands. “I can’t believe you did this to me!”
Damian grabs for my wrists, trying to restrain me since for a minute I’m truly out of control. “I’m sorry. I really am. I know it had to hurt for it to end that way. For the choices to be taken away from you like that. But I had to do what was best. For me. I’m not trying to be selfish here, but I need to care about myself too.”
I’m struggling against his grip, transformed by the new flood of clarity. “Of course you need to care about yourself! But don’t you understand? I care about you! I love you! If what you want is more from... from me, then you have it.” I’m beaming at him through a few tears. “You have it!”
He grows completely still, except for his eyes, which are frantically searching for confirmation on my face. “You—” He seems to choke on the word. “You love me?”
“Yes, I love you! You knocked down all my walls. You somehow maneuvered your way into my heart and my life, despite every attempt of mine to keep you out. I love you, Damian. More than anything. And I know I paid for your services, and maybe that makes things too sticky, but I’m willing to do anything I have to do if there’s a chance to... be with you. I’ll wait if that’s what you want. We can start from the beginning if you think we need to. I’ll move into your apartment if you think we need a change of—”
I can’t finish my emotional babbling because Damian has grabbed my head between his hands and is kissing me hard.
I whimper against his mouth and twine my arms around his neck, pushing him down onto the bed with the force of my passion. We both tumble sideways on top of the covers in a messy tangle, but we’re kissing too urgently to notice.
After a minute, he breaks away from my mouth to press kisses all over my face. “Clarke, baby. I love you too. I love you so much.”
“So why didn’t you just say so?” There’s a little bit of a whine in my tone, but not much. I’m way too happy for frustration.
“I... I tried. I was trying. I was working up to it. Last night. I’m not any good at it. At sharing my real self. But I was trying.” He lifts his head and makes an anguished face. “Shit, why didn’t I just spit it out? It would have saved us from all this pain. I had the very worst night of my entire life last night.”
“Me too.” I take fistfuls of his thick hair, but I’m not pulling on it.
“You told me you hoped I would find someone who could give me more, so I assumed that was my answer. I...” He inhales with a hiss and gives me a sheepish look. “I got scared.”
I giggle. Or maybe cry. Either way, I pull him down into a tight hug. “Oh my God, Damian. Oh my God. All this time you’ve been working me through all my hang-ups, and then, in our moment of truth, you’re the one who falls apart.”
He lifts up to give me a disapproving frown. “I didn’t exactly fall apart. I was—” He shakes his head roughly. “Fine. I fell apart. I call myself an expert on women, but I’m not any better at intimacy than you are. We’re both just bumbling through.”
“Yes, we are.”
“But maybe we can bumble through together.” He nuzzles my neck and then kisses my mouth. “What do you say, Clarke?”
“I say yes. Let’s do it.” I have to hold back another giggle. “I’ve been bumbling all my life, but I never took you for a bumbler before.”
His eyes hold all the promise I could ever dream of being