THAT EVENING WE’RE still in Charleston, and I’m lying under the covers in the guest room at Pop’s house. Damian is finishing up in the shower. We’ll be flying back home tomorrow. As a couple.
A real one.
I still can’t quite wrap my head around it.
I would have thought I’d feel like a whole different person, but I don’t. I’m the same me. With all my same issues and neuroses. But I’m happy. So, so happy.
I shiver as another wave of joy washes over me.
When Damian comes out, he’s wearing nothing but his underwear. He leaves the light on in the bathroom and the door opened a crack without my having to ask. He’s grinning as he climbs into bed.
“What are you smirking about?”
“Smirking?” He slides under the covers and then rolls over on top of me. “I’m not smirking.”
“Then what are you doing?”
“Smiling.”
“Oh. Okay.” I’m smiling too, but I see no reason to point out this obvious fact.
“You know what I was thinking about just now?”
“What?”
“You getting off in the shower while I was lying right here in bed.” He’s trying to sound aggrieved, but he can’t quite manage it. “And I didn’t even know! All that was going on in there—everything I’d been fantasizing about for weeks back then—and I was lying on this bed, listening to fucking Faulkner.”
Giggling helplessly, I slide my hands to the back of his neck. “Well, you weren’t supposed to know. I’d have had to find a cave to hide in for the rest of my life if you’d known about that back then. I can’t believe I even told you about it now.”
“I’m glad you did.” He leans down to give me a minty kiss. “You have no idea how happy it makes me. I was so crazy about you back then, and I had no idea what to do with it. I kept telling myself it was just because you were a puzzle and as soon as I’d solved you, I’d lose interest. But it didn’t work. Because the more I got to know you and understand you, the more I fell in love with you.”
“Surely you could see that I was falling in love with you too.”
“No. No, I couldn’t. I mean, obviously I knew there was attraction, but I really thought you were just looking for new experiences. Enjoying what I could offer you. It never occurred to me even once back then that you could actually fall in love with me.”
My heart tightens in my chest. There’s too much feeling in it right now. I’m seriously afraid it might just explode from all these emotions. “For a hot, brilliant, sexy, confident man who is supposed to be an expert on women, you’re really kind of clueless, you know.”
His eyes narrow in a way that makes me giggle again. But his words sound nakedly earnest. “It’s like I’ve told you before. I don’t feel like that man most of the time. I still feel like that lonely little boy.”
With a soft whimper, I bring him down into a long, hard hug.
He returns the embrace, and it’s a while before he props back up and continues, “Anyway, I’m sure that’s why I was so clueless. Even after you opened up to me and it felt like we were together, I still couldn’t trust it. I kept playing out scenarios for how, after our contract was over, we’d still end up together, but I had no idea how to make it happen. All I could think was, if I made the wrong move, you’d realize I wasn’t what you wanted.”
“That’s why you never wanted to tell me all that stuff about redoing the chapters of your dissertation?”
“Yes.” He looks faintly surprised. “Of course. I wanted you to think I was great. I wasn’t about to admit I was a flop at my career.”
“You are not a flop! Everyone has to make revisions on their dissertations.”
He chuckles. “I know. But I’m not used to not doing things right the first time, and it made me feel like a flop. I’m sorry I held back on you. But just to be clear, I wasn’t opening up about it to Giselle when you saw us. I wasn’t telling her things I wouldn’t tell you. I was... torn up about you. She knew it and was telling me for like the hundredth time to be honest with you.”
“Then you should have followed her advice. If you had anything