Warm and clean and natural and beloved. His arms are strong, and they tighten around me as I shake. We’re lying on the bed together.
But it’s daylight out. It’s not our bed. We’re in the guest room in Charleston where he first kissed me for real.
And he left me yesterday.
With a strangled sound, I pull away from him and blink the tears out of my eyes so I can see. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here because you’re here. Why do you think?” He’s not smiling. There’s not even that little one lurking at the corners of his mouth. He doesn’t look happy or confident or certain about anything.
He looks just as emotionally battered as I am.
“I don’t understand. You left me. You broke up with me... or whatever it’s called when it’s not a real relationship. What are you doing here?” I wish I didn’t sound so bewildered or pathetic, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about that. It’s all I can do not to bury my head in a pillow and pretend the world has gone away.
Damian clears his throat and sits up on the bed beside me. “I know you left me a note.” He pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket. “I got it when I came by the condo. It says Damian, thank you for everything. You’ll never know what the past months have meant to me. I hope you find someone you can be real with and who makes you happy. You deserve it.”
I sit up too since my head is spinning. “I know what it says. I wrote it.”
“Why did you write it?”
“What do you mean? I wrote it to... to write it. I wanted to say goodbye.”
“Not in person?”
“Did you really expect me to be there? I don’t understand what’s happening here, Damian. I know why you need to end things with me, but I wanted you to know how much I... how much you mean to me. So I wrote a note. Why are you being weird about it?”
“I don’t know.” He’s staring down at the note. “I don’t know. I thought I understood too, but now... I don’t know. This doesn’t feel right.”
He’s not acting like himself. It’s like he’s lost in his own thoughts, not fully aware of what’s going on around him. I’ve never seen him like this before, and it scares me. My stomach churns with nerves as I reach over to take the note from his hand. “I’m sorry. It was the best I could do. If you don’t like it, just throw it away.” I bunch it up into a ball and start to toss it toward the little trash can in the corner.
“No!” Damian reaches out to grab it before I can throw it away. “Don’t.” He unwads the paper and tries to smooth it out.
“Damian, what the hell is going on here?” My voice is a little shrill, but who can blame me? “Why does it matter?”
“It’s all I have left of you.”
“What?” I can barely get the word out. I lean forward, my eyes blurring. “What? You broke up with me!”
His face twists as he sets down the note and finally meets my eyes. “I know I did. We were a mess. Everything was a mess. I was drowning, and I couldn’t... I couldn’t find my way out.”
I hug my arms to my belly and tighten them around the ache. “You said you hadn’t done right by me. You said you needed more. Something real.”
“That’s true. I’ve been that little boy inside for way too long, hoping for someone to want me. I’ve done it so long that I’ve accepted less than what I really want because I figured it was better than nothing. But I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be that little boy.”
“You don’t have to be.” I’ve completely forgotten about my own pain and confusion. I reach out toward him in response to the twisting of emotion on his face. “Damian, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. You can have everything. You can expect it. You can ask for it.”
He shakes his head and glances away. “I know you mean that. And it... means a lot to me. But see, the problem is I want more. I want everything... from you.”
The world starts to shudder around me. Literally. It feels like everything is shaking. And I’m shaking deep inside. “Wh-what?”
With a dry huff of amusement, he meets my eyes again. “I want