at the meeting, that she’s disappointed him somehow.
Thank you, Casey, Lev says.
Casey dismisses herself, shutting the door quietly behind her.
Lev faces Bea, regards her tenderly.
You did well at the protest, he tells her. I knew you would. You brought Foster to us. That’s why I sent you. And tonight—you rallied our people in the face of another’s doubt.
She nods.
Where is your faith, Bea?
She presses her hands against her heart.
He crosses the room to her, bringing his hand to her cheek. She feels warmth spread throughout her body from his palm.
How long have we known each other?
Six months. She can’t believe it’s only been six months.
And yet I can no longer imagine The Project before you, he says, his eyes on hers. When I enter a room, the first face I look for is yours. God called me to you in a way He has called me to no other. You must feel that too.
She nods, her eyes filling with tears.
From the very first moment he came to her, she felt it.
I was the question, she says, her voice trembling, her body trembling. You were the answer.
He rests his forehead against hers.
There is no flaw in you, he says.
He presses his mouth against hers.
NOVEMBER 2017
“When did she stop being a member?” I ask faintly.
My body is numb in the way my body was numb when Bea told me, for the very first time, what had happened to our parents. On some level, I think I’d known; they were never there on my fleeting trips to the surface. I would open my eyes and the hospital would bloom around me, Bea hovering, Patty—though I didn’t know who she was at the time—hovering, but never Mom or Dad. I would slip back under, feeling a bit unsettled, but half-convinced next time, next time they’d be there.
When I was finally, truly awake, I found I’d been left behind.
“September,” Lev answers.
September. I try to hold myself to the numbness, to not give into the raw, furious pain I sense just beyond it. September.
I turn away from him.
“Casey—never said anything to me at the sermon.”
After Bea told me they died, I was sedated. I remember vaguely, the seconds before that; the feeling that my heart was on the verge of total disintegration—
And then nothing.
When I woke up again, Bea was holding my hand so tightly, my fingers ached.
So tightly, I felt it long after she decided to leave me behind too.
The way Bea talked about this place to me, her eyes shining with it, her body trembling with the relief of its discovery and all it meant for her was nothing I knew how to reason with. She was a stranger to me then. I’ve found God, Lo, I’ve found Him. The Unity Project was so burned into her there was no other place for that stranger but here. And if that stranger isn’t here, and my sister still isn’t with me—
Who is she now?
“I stood right in front of you—”
“After arriving unannounced,” Lev finishes. I face him. His arms are crossed and he’s staring out the windows. He glances at me. “We can either talk about when we should have had the conversation, Lo, or we can have it now.”
“Where is she?”
He turns to me. “We’re not sure.”
“I want to know everything.”
My voice is shaking, my whole body, I realize, shaking, as numbness gives way to shock. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep still. Lev licks his lips, and I watch him think, try to guess what he’s thinking, as he stares at me.
“Do you know the mere fact of you standing here in front of me is…” He gestures to me, his hand following the path of my body from my face down. “It’s…” He trails off.
“What?”
“It’s God’s work.”
“Bullshit.”
“You’re a miracle, Lo. It’s sad you don’t see it.”
He seems lost in it for a moment, in me, and the longer he is, the tighter my skin feels around my bones. The wind outside makes itself known again, another rattle against the windows. The soft tapping of the dog’s nails sound on the floor as she reenters the room.
“You won’t like anything I’m about to say,” he tells me.
“Why would that stop you?”
He hesitates, but when he speaks his voice is soft. “Bea was terrified of the possibility of losing you. And when it was certain you would live, it made it that much worse. She wanted to keep you in a place where she would never have to confront that again