Only Her Smokejumper Firefighter - Cami Checketts Page 0,29
when she opened her mouth and blatantly lied, “He raped me and I got pregnant.”
“No!” Ren yelled.
She shifted uncomfortably, staring at the beautifully-decorated Christmas tree. She’d willingly slept with Bruce, even though her pastor kept trying to help her and get her to stop. She’d repented time and time again, but after months of meeting with Pastor Johnston and failing to change, she started lying to him. The only reason she ever admitted the truth was because she got pregnant. Her pastor had been frustrated with her and done with her lies. She was a natural liar, manifested by what she’d just done. How could she be lying to Ren?
“Did he go to prison?”
“Yes, but not for that.” Mavyn drew in a breath. She wanted to move on from her lies but she didn’t want to say the next part. “When I told him I was pregnant, he …” She gulped, re-living pain she hadn’t let herself think about for years. “He beat me until I miscarried.”
“Oh, Mave,” Ren groaned out. He lifted her off the couch and onto his lap, holding her tightly. “Mave, I can’t even …” He broke off and just held her. “I want to kill him.”
“Ren.” She let herself look into his eyes. His gaze was fierce with anger and devotion to her. The frustration settled slightly as she met his gaze. He really did love her, and she was lying to him. She wanted to tell him the truth, but her experience with Pastor Johnston was still so raw, even after almost ten years. Now that she’d lied to Ren, how could she change her story midstream without him thinking she was untrustworthy?
She felt miserable and even more undeserving of him.
“You lost your faith because of your dad and Bruce’s actions?” Ren asked.
More my own, she wanted to say. Here she was lying to Ren, the only man she’d ever truly respected enough that she thought she could love. No wonder God never answered her prayers.
He answered the desperate plea this morning, a quiet voice reminded her.
That was odd. Her internal thoughts were usually snarky, not positive.
Ren was studying her, awaiting her answer.
“I think I lost my faith in men because of my dad and Bruce.” His brow squiggled. She continued, “I pushed away my faith in God after I went to meet with our pastor. Pastor Johnston became a sort of father figure for me after my dad left. He was a good man but very evangelical—a fire and damnation kind of preacher.” She tried to think of how to word this without telling him why the pastor had ultimately given up on her. “He explained to me that I could never be forgiven for my immoral actions and that’s why God took my baby.”
“He … what?” Ren’s outrage made her heart clench. “How dare he?” Mavyn felt better as she realized his anger was at the pastor, not her. “You believed him?”
She shrugged and looked out the windows at the lake. “The two men I thought I’d loved only hurt me and my mom had checked out emotionally. I didn’t meet Cora until the next year when we were freshmen at Stanford. She’s tried to convince me that God loves me, but I’ve never told anyone what the pastor said. Not even Cora.” At least that was partially the truth. Cora also didn’t know how many times she’d slept with Bruce, but at least she hadn’t lied to Cora and said he’d raped her. She’d put herself in another mess because of her lies. She needed to tell Ren she had chosen to be intimate with Bruce, many times, then hid that awful truth, and that was the reason her pastor had finally washed his hands of her.
How could she do that now?
Before the horrific truth spilled out, she said, “I felt all alone in the world and was angry at everyone, most of all God. I acted tough and pretended I didn’t care about God because I felt deep inside that he didn’t care about me.”
“Mave, that’s not true.” He framed her face with his hands and looked deeply into her eyes. “Everything that pastor said was wrong. First of all, you didn’t commit any sin. You were young and innocent and taken advantage of.”
Mavyn squirmed.
“Second of all, every one of us makes mistakes every day and Heavenly Father still loves us. We repent and try to do better tomorrow.” He studied her. “Heavenly Father loves you, Mave. Do you believe