Only Her Smokejumper Firefighter - Cami Checketts Page 0,28

spent most of her life miserable inside. The light she’d felt around Cora and especially Ren made her hope she could cast that misery out. It had always felt out of reach, like capturing fireflies with your bare hands and thinking you could make their light yours. It wasn’t hard to catch them, but if you tried to take their light, you’d only kill them.

She couldn’t kill Ren’s goodness.

But somehow, Cora trusted Mavyn and her instincts. Her friend had always told her that it was the Lord above inspiring her. Mavyn hadn’t believed that, but she had believed Cora needed her after losing her parents in a car accident during college. Ren didn’t need her. He was too tough to need anyone. She was the needy one with Ren and she hated that.

“I forgive you, Mave. I will forgive you every time.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Ren. I feel awful I did, but there’s such darkness inside me. I don’t know how we can make this work.”

Ren didn’t discount her fears. He nodded seriously. “Do you know why the darkness is there? Can you think of something specific that caused you to let it in?”

Let it in? Had she consciously let darkness in and then kept it there? “Yes,” she admitted barely above a whisper. “I know exactly when I rejected faith and light.” But how could she explain it to Ren? He claimed to love her. Could he truly love her enough to accept her when he learned about her past? Fear clawed at her throat. It made her want to run from him.

Ren gestured to the couch. “Can you sit and tell me about it or do you prefer standing?”

He was so conscientious of her, of her needs. “I can sit.”

She could sit, but she had no idea if she could spit this story out.

They settled in and turned toward each other. He didn’t wrap her in his arms, but he did take her hand. She appreciated his strength and touch. She licked her lips, swallowed, and rushed out with, “When I was fifteen, my dad ditched me and my mom. He’s been married five times now and has ten other children. Some of my step-siblings are my age, so obviously he cheated for years. With his last two marriages, he finally got smart enough to stop bringing children into his distorted world.” She’d told him some of those details four months ago at dinner.

He simply nodded his encouragement.

“I hate him and have nothing to do with him. My mom became clinically depressed when he left and she found out about the cheating. She relies heavily on prescription painkillers and alcohol. Luckily, social services didn’t take me away because I made everything work. It was lonely and I only had the support of my pastor. Pastor Johnston was very good to my mom and me.” Until he had to break her heart by kindly explaining she’d sinned too many times to ever be forgiven. She held tightly to Ren’s hand. “When I was eighteen, I met a baseball player from a nearby junior college … Bruce.” She didn’t know if she should put a name on him, but if she shared all, she couldn’t keep calling Bruce ‘him.’ “He was twenty-two and I was desperate for a mature male’s attention. I got a lot of attention in high school, but I thought Bruce was stable and an adult.” Her voice lowered. “I thought he loved me.”

Ren’s features tightened. He nodded for her to continue, but she suddenly found she couldn’t share everything. Her throat constricted at the very thought. Ren was so good and pure. How could he possibly understand how desperate for affection she’d been? She couldn’t tell him how she’d fallen for Bruce, been intimate with him night after night for months before she found out she was pregnant and Bruce beat her up and ditched her.

“He, um …” She couldn’t meet his eyes. How could she share the truth with him? Ren had run from her when she’d tried to undress him last night. The thought of him pushing her away when she’d tried to unbutton his shirt was a sign that she needed to shut her mouth. He would be shocked at how depraved she truly was. She couldn’t handle this perfect, incredible man who thought she was the right one for him, who claimed to love her, thinking low of her.

It was just more evidence of how unworthy she was of Ren