I most often wished Mac could have lived to see.
It took only a few minutes to put away the remaining dinner dishes, after which I went to Ryan’s room to check on him. Unlike the past two nights, Ryan looked completely at peace as he slept. His favorite stuffed animal, a zebra I’d bought him at the airport in Bulgaria while we’d been waiting for our flight to board, was tucked in his folded arms.
The memory of the moment I’d met my son in the orphanage had me leaning against the doorframe. I’d never thought it possible to love another human being as much as I loved Elliot, but Ryan had proven me wrong the instant he’d looked at me from the too-small crib the home’s staff had cruelly kept the little boy in to limit his movement.
I moved into the room and leaned over Ryan so I could place a gentle kiss on his forehead. Fortunately, the move didn’t wake him up, so I quietly left his room and hurried to my own so I could sneak in a quick shower. Although I had a camera set up in his room so I’d be able to see or hear if he needed me, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hear it while I was showering, so I didn’t bother pulling the app up on my phone. Instead, I undressed in record time and flew through the act of showering. As I pulled on my PJs, I eyed my bathtub longingly.
I knew I was being ridiculous, but it wasn’t the baths that I missed so much as it was the normalcy they represented. It had taken me a lot of years to find a sense of peace in my life that I hadn’t really even realized was absent, but now that it was gone, I was filled with regret that it had taken me so long to recognize it.
I shoved the thought away because if I’d learned anything, it was that life was too short for regrets.
I left the bathroom and made my way back to Ryan’s room to check on him one more time and to triple-check the house yet again to make sure it was locked up tight. I was tempted to try and sleep in the armchair in Ryan’s room but it was a habit I just shouldn’t start. If I wanted Ryan to feel safe in our home, I needed to prove I felt that way too.
Even if I didn’t.
I slowed my steps as I neared Ryan’s room so I wouldn’t inadvertently wake him up. I wasn’t wearing shoes but many of the floorboards beneath my feet were prone to creaking. I’d learned that in the early days when I’d brought Ryan home. Thankfully, he was now a much heavier sleeper, the past week’s events notwithstanding.
I was so focused on watching where I stepped that I didn’t see the looming figure standing at the foot of my son’s bed at first. When I did, I let out a shout of fear and leapt forward. I recognized Matias a split second before I barreled into him.
His arms came up to grab mine as I practically fell into him.
The relief was instantaneous, but my adrenaline was still off the charts. “What the—”
Matias covered my mouth with his hand. “You’ll wake him,” he said.
Was he joking? I’d wake my kid? That was the problem he saw with all of this?
I was about to tell him as much when his eyes met mine and something incendiary flashed between us. Just like that, my body got over the scare and used the adrenaline in my bloodstream to energize a completely different part of my body.
God, not again, I moaned silently to myself. I yanked myself free of Matias’s hold and opened my mouth to lay into the man when Ryan’s soft little snore caught my attention. I glanced at my son, then at Matias before jabbing my finger in the direction of the door.
When Matias reached me, I said in a hushed but what I hoped was stern whisper, “What the hell are you doing here?”
Matias actually stepped closer to me. My back hit the doorjamb when I stepped back. I wasn’t technically trapped because Matias wasn’t touching me, but he might as well have chained me to the wall. I swallowed hard as he braced his arm on the wood just above my head. I swore that he leaned in a little and inhaled deeply.
Even if I was imagining