Sometimes amazing things come to an end. It doesn’t mean you wish they’d never happened. If I had it to do all over again … I would have married the same man. I would have chosen the same path. We were real; we just weren’t forever.
* * *
A collective look of shock hit me when I arrived for my last grief meeting at the church. Stopping at the entrance to let everyone get a good look at Epperly’s number one sinner, I pulled my lips into a tight smile.
“Elsie,” Rhonda said, lifting her chin, looking down her nose at me.
“Hi.” My gaze went to Tillie, but she quickly averted hers.
“Here’s a seat by me.” Kelly pointed to the empty chair between her and Bethanne.
“Thanks.” I walked across the room—the walk of shame—and took a seat.
No one said anything, in spite of me being fifteen minutes late. Surely they’d been talking before I arrived. Probably about me.
“Listen …” I swallowed my fear and embarrassment. “This is my last time with the group for reasons I’m sure all of you are well aware of. I’m taking a break from church too. I do a fantastic job of judging myself. I am and always will be my hardest critic. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Craig’s death. And it brings a special kind of pain that no one in this room knows about. Until now …”
I risked a quick glance up from my folded hands in my lap. “The tiny rock in the shoe. The little things that I didn’t love about Craig. The little annoying things that crawled under my skin and ate at my soul … they ended my marriage. But they didn’t ruin it. I have four beautiful children, a heart filled with love, and a mind packed with memories of a long and successful marriage. Sometimes amazing things come to an end. It doesn’t mean you wish they’d never happened. If I had it to do all over again … I would have married the same man. I would have chosen the same path. We were real; we just weren’t forever.”
Two men … I loved two men that way. Time didn’t matter. Love didn’t keep track of time. It lived in the moment.
Confusion spread across every single face in the room.
“There are probably many labels for what happened to me. A midlife crisis. Maybe I lost my way spiritually and emotionally. Maybe I just hit this emotional wall that I couldn’t get past without letting something—someone go. A fall from grace. A breaking point. Maybe it was as simplistic as being human … truly human. But I snapped. The day Craig died, I let all those tiny rocks push me over the edge. I just … felt like I was crawling out of my skin—completely losing myself to a toxic relationship.
“We fought. Words were exchanged that were driven by anger and pain. Resentment. Exhaustion. Discontentment. It all boiled over. And I asked him for a divorce. He left. And he never came home.”
Kelly handed me a tissue. It was only then that I realized I was crying.
“Thank you.” I blotted my eyes. “I wanted out, but not like that. It was supposed to be my loss … not my children’s loss. I’ve spent the last year figuring out who I am without Craig. And it’s not a shop owner. And when Bella leaves for college next fall, I’m going to feel a little less like a mom. I didn’t set out to have a relationship with Kael. If I’m honest, it was sex. Yes … out of wedlock, sinful sex. And it made me feel so many things. Each one in and of itself doesn’t matter. It was the simple fact that he made me feel. He made me question things I’ve never allowed myself to question because I was raised to not question. I was raised to read the Bible, go to church, and follow the rules obediently. And I did … for many years.”
Kelly rested her hand on one leg as Bethanne rested a hand on my other leg. It pulled more tears from my eyes, and their kindness made my heart bleed a little more.
“So I need to step back and find my way, allow myself to really see things and not blindly follow. Because … it didn’t feel wrong. Being with a man who wasn’t my husband … it didn’t feel wrong. And I don’t know if I’ll ever