want to have a husband again, but I want companionship. I want intimacy. As immature and elementary as it sounds … I do wonder why something that feels good on so many levels has so many rules. If it’s consensual … why is it wrong?”
“Well, the Bible says—”
I held my hand up to stop Rhonda’s interruption. “It was a rhetorical question. I know what the Bible says. I’ve read every single word in it. And I can interpret it to support whatever makes me feel good about my life. I mean … that’s why there are so many different takes and beliefs about God. Right? No one can prove there is a God. It’s faith. So I’m going to have a little faith that God gave me a brain to think, a heart to feel, and a conscience to do the right thing in a world where we don’t always know what that is. We are told to love one another. We are told to not judge. So I hope you can WWJD that when I walk out that door.”
I stood. “I miss him … Craig. The world was a better place with him in it. And I could have shared a million things I loved dearly about him. I could have convinced myself and everyone else that he was perfect and he was everything. But that would have been a lie. He wasn’t perfect, and he was a lot of things, but not everything. And to heal, I needed to let go of the things I didn’t like about him. And you—willingly or maybe not so willingly—let me do that. So … thank you for letting me be a part of your lives—your successes, your failures, your grief, and your realest moments. You are loved by me—unconditionally. I will always show you grace. I will always be a friend if you need one.”
A few of the other women shed tears with me as well. Not Rhonda. And not Tillie. That was okay. As mixed up as my emotions and feelings about life were in the moment, I knew one thing for sure—no two people shared the same journey. I wasn’t necessarily in a better place, just a different one.
When I arrived home with groceries for Christmas with my kids, everyone’s car was parked in the driveway or on the street—just my kids and my parents, who Bella picked up from the airport two hours south of Epperly.
“Hey, Mom.” Linc hugged me as soon as I climbed out of my Tahoe.
“My baby.” I hugged him back and all six feet five inches of him lifted me off the ground. “Have you been here long? I went to my meeting at church before the grocery store. I didn’t expect to see anyone arrive until later tonight.”
“We wanted to surprise you.” He set me back on my feet. “Bella just got home with Grandma and Grandpa, and Finn went to get Grandma and Papa Smith.”
“I didn’t plan on dinner for everyone.”
“And …” Linc opened the back of the Tahoe to help unload groceries. “Chase ordered pizza, and it will be here in thirty minutes.” He leaned over and kissed my cheek before carrying grocery bags into the house.
My family left me speechless. They had no way of knowing the full extent of my emotionally rattled state. Yet they were there for me.
“There’s our girl.” Dad hugged me the second I removed my boots as Bella took the sacks of groceries from my hands.
“Hey, Dad. Good to see you. How was your flight?”
“Smooth as could be.”
“Hi, Mom.” I went straight from my dad’s arms to my mom’s arms.
“Baby girl.” She kissed the side of my head. “How ya doing, honey?”
“Good. I’m good.” I pulled back and smiled. I was doing good. In spite of the shit show called my life the previous months, I felt oddly at peace with my uncertain future.
No plans. And that was okay.
No Kael. And while that didn’t feel as okay, it was life in the now.
He taught me that.
“Are you sure?” She pressed her hand to my cheek.
“Of course.” My face contorted in a little confusion at her sudden concern. It wasn’t like she’d recently called me to check in.
“Well, we’re here now and everything’s going to be okay.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant, but I didn’t have time to ask because Finn came through the front door with Craig’s parents.
A good ole Griswold family Christmas.
We ate pizza, and the boys shared with their grandparents how college and