“I love you, Elsie. And I’m not saying it to change your mind about anything. I’m saying it because I think you need to hear it. And I’m saying it because I hate that we were together so many times and you thought I was incapable of love. So …” He lifted his head and gazed up into my eyes. “I love you. I regret nothing. And I will miss you.”
“You’re no goose.”
Kael chuckled. “I’m not a goose. I’m a duck. And I’m okay with it. I’m just saying right now, and maybe for many more nows to come, this duck loves you.”
“And this duck loves you too. But … I love my daughter more. I love her like a goose would. And she needs me to be boring and practice sexual abstinence until she graduates and moves away from Epperly.”
“I understand.”
Taking a few steps back, I continued inspecting his place. “For a wanderer … a nomad … you don’t hesitate to really make a home. I mean … your walls are painted a blue that I’d bet wasn’t the color on them when you moved in. And all the photos on the wall—it feels homey, and that doesn’t fit the thirty-year-old guy who doesn’t like commitment.”
“I disagree.” He leaned back and laced his fingers behind his head. “It fits the guy who lives in the now. For now, I’m here. And now is all I have. So paint the walls, hang photos, get a few house plants, and a welcome mat—anything less is just waiting for something better.”
I liked his eyes on me even if I never understood why …
So I asked, “Why me?” Adjusting one of the ornaments on his tree, I kept my focus away from his expression. It was a hard question to ask. And maybe it sounded insecure, but that wasn’t it. I didn’t love him because he was thirty and looked like Captain America. That would have been attraction. That would have made it easy to have a one-night stand.
“Why Epperly? Why blue paint? Why grilled cheese for dinner? It’s just a feeling. A lingering feeling. Some feelings are fleeting. Some stay with you, demanding you pay attention. They are unforgettable. It was sex …”
“Until it wasn’t …” I whispered, turning toward him.
“Until it wasn’t …” He nodded. “It’s the way you blush and divert your gaze when I say something nice about you. Then, in the next moment, you’re threatening to ‘take me down.’ It’s jumping into a freezing lake then hopping into a hot tub. It’s this invigorating feeling. It’s awakening. And honestly, it feels good to let myself love you, knowing you expect nothing because you’ve already had everything. And you don’t really need me.”
Kael saw the version of myself that I wanted to be long before I got there.
“What makes you think I don’t need you?”
“You’re here.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t.
He stood and made his way to me, my heart beating faster and harder with each step. I shivered when he gently brushed the palm of his hand over my cheek. “You’re here to say goodbye.”
Tears burned my eyes. “Yes.”
The pad of his thumb caught the first tear. “It was a moment … at Spoons when I turned around and exposed us to all of Epperly … it was a moment. A feeling. I had to jump. I needed to know what it felt like to love you in front of the world. I needed to let us shine, if only for a few seconds before everything collapsed around us.”
I rested my hand over his, leaning into his touch. “How did it feel?”
He smiled. “You tell me.”
“It felt … freeing. It felt … real.”
Kael kissed me, confirming that it was real, reminding me that life was nothing but a moment, and no one was guaranteed more than one. We were real, even if we weren’t forever.
It took a long time to let go. Some moments deserved extra seconds … a few more breaths.
When I took a step back, he kept his hand on my face. I slowly took another step away from him, his touch fading away. “Thank you.”
“For?” His eyes narrowed.
“Not letting me sit around and die an old goose.”
His grin reached for his ears. “I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged, turning to get my coat, boots, and dog. When I reached for the doorknob, my aching chest drew in a deep breath.