“I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened between us if we’d met in a regular office. If he’d been an accountant and I’d been the chick who made copies.”
“See, that’s interesting. You put yourself in an inferior position.”
“I’m not here for a session, Eve.”
Eve shrugged. “But you kind of are. It’s what D/s is for a lot of us. It doesn’t have to be some therapy where you process your emotions. Think of it as a session where you attempt to get what you need, whether that be a particular type of stress relief or being able to communicate more intimately with your partner. This kind of play often reveals parts of ourselves we don’t give much consideration to. I find it interesting that you put yourself in a position where Beck is over you even in your fantasies. Is that because you think he needs it?”
The whole conversation was making her uncomfortable. But didn’t she need to figure out why she did this to herself time and time again? Was it comfortable behind her walls? What would she teach her son if she kept this up? She didn’t want Roman to learn to live the way she did. “Maybe it’s because he was teaching a class when I met him.”
“I don’t think so. Did you ever work together?” Eve asked.
She shook her head. “No. He mostly worked alone, and so did I.”
“So once you completed your training, you were equals.”
“Yes.”
“Were you submissive in your marriage?”
She snorted at the thought.
A knowing smile crossed Eve’s face. “I didn’t think so.” She sobered. “So why do you think you imagine yourself as his subordinate?”
When she really looked deep, she knew the answer. “I lied to him. I did it for reasons I thought were good, but I lied. I suppose I feel like I need to make it up to him.”
Eve nodded as though she’d come to the same conclusion. “He’s forgiven you. I don’t believe he wants to punish you in any way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t punish yourself. I’ve found humans are excellent at finding ways to hurt themselves.”
“I can accept that.” She had been in such a bad place. “But I wasn’t punishing myself when I walked away from him in Paris.”
“Weren’t you?”
“Eve, you don’t know the things he said to me. He ripped me apart.”
“And there was a man waiting in shadows to do worse,” Eve argued. “You could have called Ian. You could have told him you wouldn’t spend another minute with Beck.”
She hadn’t even considered making a call. “Ian wasn’t my friend. He was Beck’s.”
“Yes, but Ian understands how people can tear each other apart. He would have sent someone else to be with you. You left for two reasons. You left because you didn’t trust anyone else in the world to help you once Beck had lashed out.”
That was true. “And the other reason?”
Eve reached out and put a hand on hers. “Because everyone who should have loved and protected you in your life betrayed your trust. Your parents. The man you thought was your friend. The man you loved. Because life taught you that you were not worth saving. You walked out because deep down you didn’t care if Levi caught you.”
Kim went quiet. The need to cry was there inside her, but there was a wall between her and that emotional well. A wall she’d erected so many years before. A wall she wasn’t sure she could live without. “Maybe. But I don’t feel that way now. My life changed the minute I found out I was pregnant. I love my son. I can’t live the same way. But I don’t know how to handle having Beck back in my life.”
Eve shifted, sitting back and giving her some space. “The question is can you forgive him. You lied but he walked away. You have to acknowledge that his was the greater infraction. He caused the greater harm. It’s not a contest, but you get to be angry with him.”
“Beck has high standards.”
“I think you’ll find Beck has relaxed a bit over the years. He’s done a lot of work on his anger issues.”
There was far more to the problem. “I guess I don’t understand what he was so angry about. I know his bio dad was a piece of shit, but he spent the majority of his childhood with Ezra’s dad. He was a good guy. His parents loved him. He had a brother who looked up to