that had changed his mind when it was just the power of hallucinogenic drugs and the power of Masha.
Obviously Delilah tried the psychedelic therapy too. Her experience had been awesome, but she wasn’t stupid enough to think any of those feelings or so-called “revelations” were real. They were just drugs. She’d done magic mushrooms before. It was like mistaking lust for love, or thinking that the sentimental feelings you got when you heard a certain song were genuine. Get real. Those feelings were manufactured.
When Yao had gone on and on about what he’d supposedly learned from his psychedelic therapy she kind of wanted to slap him. It was just another example of how that sweet stupid boy was addicted to Masha. He was a lost cause. Nothing was ever going to change there.
Delilah didn’t go to the kitchen to make green tea. She went straight to her room and collected her ID. Everything else about this particular life—the white uniforms, the sandalwood scent, her yoga mat—she left behind.
Ever since she’d joined the workforce, she’d known this about herself: she was, at heart, a PA. The smoother of the way. Like a butler or a lady-in-waiting. Someone seen and not heard. She wasn’t the captain of this ship and she sure as hell wasn’t going down with it.
Within five minutes she was behind the wheel of Ben’s Lamborghini, driving toward the nearby regional airport where she would take the next available flight, wherever it was going.
The car drove like a dream.
52
Jessica
“How far along are you?” asked Heather from her position in the corner of the room. She sat up and rubbed her knuckles so hard into the sockets of her eyes that Jessica winced. You needed to be careful with the delicate skin around your eyes.
“Um, let’s see. Two days,” answered Jessica. She put a hand to her stomach.
“Two days?” said Carmel. “Do you mean your period is two days late?”
“No, I’m not late yet,” said Jessica.
“So you haven’t done a test?”
“No,” said Jessica. Jeez. What was with the Spanish Inquisition? “How could I?”
This was so weird, all of them standing around in this small room like they were at an office party, but they were talking about her periods.
“So you might not be pregnant?” asked Ben. Jessica couldn’t tell if his shoulders dropped with relief or disappointment.
“I am,” said Jessica.
“What makes you think so?” asked Carmel.
“I just know,” said Jessica. “I could tell. As soon as it happened.”
“You mean you knew at the moment of conception?” said Carmel. Jessica saw her exchange a look with Heather, as if to say: Can you believe this shit? Older women could be so condescending.
“Well, you know, some mothers do say they could tell they were pregnant at the moment of conception,” said Heather kindly. “Maybe she is.”
“I bet a lot of women think they ‘know’ and then it turns out they’re wrong,” said Carmel.
“What’s the big deal?” said Jessica. Why did this strange fuzzy-haired woman sound so angry with her? “I mean, I know, we weren’t meant to be touching during the silence.” She glanced up at the silent dark eye of the camera watching them. “We weren’t meant to be taking drugs either.”
The sex had happened in the dark on their second night at the retreat. Not a word spoken. It was all blind, silent touch, and it had been raw and real, and afterward she lay awake and felt a wave of peace wash over her, because if their marriage was over, so be it, but now there was going to be a baby, and even if they didn’t love each other anymore, the baby was created from a moment of love.
“But wait, she’s on the pill,” said Ben to Heather and Carmel, as if Jessica wasn’t even there. “Can that happen?”
“Only abstinence is one hundred percent effective, but if she’s …” Heather looked at Jessica. “If you’ve been taking the pill every day, at the same time, it’s probably unlikely that you’re pregnant.”
Jessica sighed. “I went off the pill two months ago.”
“Ah,” said Heather.
“Without telling me,” said Ben. “You went off the pill without telling me.”
“Uh-oh,” said Lars quietly.
“You didn’t mention this last night,” said Ben. “When we were ‘speaking from our hearts.’”
He sarcastically quoted Masha, his face stone hard, and Jessica thought about last night, and how their words had flowed like water. But she hadn’t told him last night about going off the pill. She’d still kept secrets even when she was high. Because she’d known it was