“I’m not asking you to pretend anything. And I thought you did want this?” She pulled her arms across her chest like she was hugging herself. Like she was trying to protect herself from my wrath. “I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean to pressure you.” She shook her head. “I didn’t realize I was doing that. I thought…I just…” her voice trailed off. “I’m sorry.”
Fuck. I hadn’t meant to upset her.
She was blinking fast like she was about to cry. I’d noticed her doing that more and more recently. Like there was something in her life that was making her unhappy. She was hiding something. And her secrets drew me closer. It was one of the reasons why I’d agreed to meet with her like this. I wanted her to let me in. Even though I wasn’t the person she should be opening up to.
She blinked faster and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms. And kiss away the tears before they had a chance to fall. I took another step back from her.
She hugged herself even tighter and forced a smile onto her face. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. It’s okay if you want to go. I have a little work I need to finish up anyway.”
I just stared at her. Because I didn’t really want to leave.
“But I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” she added.
I pressed my lips together. It was a bad idea. My breathing had finally evened out, but I still felt shaky. The last thing I needed was for Penny to see me like this. But I found myself nodding. “Okay.”
“Okay you’ll stay?”
“Yeah. I’m going to need another drink though.”
“Do you want something to eat too? Ellen made a delicious chicken casserole for dinner last night and we have some leftovers.”
Her housekeeper, Ellen, was a great cook. And the thought of a home-cooked meal made my stomach growl. I nodded.
“Great. Go sit down and I’ll warm some up for you and grab you another drink.” She turned her back to me.
I retreated to the living room. Not just because I needed a minute to calm down. But it seemed like she needed a minute to compose herself too. I sat down on the couch. I was still in my sweatpants and t-shirt from practice. I’m pretty sure I smelled from running sprints with the team. And I probably looked like death after thinking I saw the dead walking along the busy streets of Manhattan.
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on top of my knees, as I stared at pictures of Penny’s happy family on the wall. There were several framed pictures from James and Penny’s wedding day. I was standing right next to James with a huge smile on my face. A fake one. But I wasn’t sure anyone could tell.
It should have been me.
I looked down at my hands. I wasn’t a homewrecker. I wasn’t actually here to sleep with Penny, despite my wandering thoughts. The only reason she’d invited me over was because she’d offered to help me with online dating. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t date. Ever. But I couldn’t pass up spending more time with Penny. We rarely ever hung out one on one. And here she was, offering. She’d even said she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Our little secret project. One I figured I could drag out for as long as I wanted. Because we didn’t have the same end goal.
Penny pictured me having a life like her and James. Happily married with two kids.
But I didn’t want that. I would never get married. And I’d never have kids. I’d given up on that dream when I buried the love of my life.
“Here you go,” Penny said, setting down my glass and a plate piled high with steaming deliciousness.
“Thanks, Penny.” I grabbed the plate of food instead of downing another glass of scotch. I practically sighed around my first bite. Definitely better than takeout.
“I thought you were coming from work?” Penny asked.
“I did.”
She stared at my sweatpants but didn’t say anything else about it. “So, bad day at the office?”
I shrugged. “Something like that.”
She sat down next to me and pulled her legs up beneath her on the couch. “I was really excited about tonight. Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And when you finally didn’t ditch me, I figured it meant you were excited too. But we don’t have to set up a dating profile