Matchmaker (Empire High #4) - Ivy Smoak Page 0,146

I knew that wasn’t what I needed to do. I put the tulip back down.

“I’m sorry that I haven’t been living my life. I’m sorry that I’ve been wasting time. You’d be so pissed at me if you were here.” I smiled.

“I asked you for a sign the last time I was here. And I know Tanner meddled and technically the person I saw here was Jefferson’s mom.” I shook my head. “But I think you sent Kennedy back here. I think you knew she could fix me. She was my wake-up call.”

I slowly exhaled. “Everyone knows about our past now. I’m sorry I kept you a secret. It’s been really lonely. I’ve been really fucked up, Brooklyn.”

I knew it was crazy, but it felt like she was listening. So I said the words I never thought I’d say. “I want a wife. I want kids. I want a family. And I can’t have any of that with you. I’ll always love you. But I can’t stop living. You’d hate me for it.”

I swallowed hard. “I think I love her.” I ran my fingers along the grass to where I thought my aunt’s ring was. The one I’d given to Brooklyn when I’d asked her to marry me. “And I need to see this through. I need to give us a chance.” I looked down. The ring was right around here. I had been pissed that Mr. Pruitt had given it back to me. It had belonged here with Brooklyn, so I’d buried it here after her funeral. But I needed it back. I needed my heart back. I let my fingers sink into the dirt, digging tiny holes, until my fingers collided with the ring. I pulled it out. It looked terrible. Caked with mud and grime. I wiped my finger against the diamond and it caught a sparkle in the moonlight.

“Everyone said time would help. But it hasn’t helped at all. It was like I felt guiltier and guiltier every day that went by. Until I wasn’t even sure it was because of my last words to you or because in my heart I knew that I wanted to live my life again.” I wiped away my tears. “I wanted you. I wanted you to be my wife. The mother of my kids. My family. But I can’t have you. And I can’t keep living like this. I can’t.”

“This is goodbye,” I said. “Not forever. I just…need some space to give Kennedy and me a real chance. You understand, right? You’d want this, wouldn’t you?” I’d want it for her. I’d never want her to be miserable. She couldn’t possibly want me to keep living in hell.

“I would do anything to go back in time and do things differently. Say anything else to you. Tell you anything so you didn’t hurt when you left this world. Something to make your heart happy. And I don’t ever want to forget about you. Or what we had. But I have to let this go before I drown.”

I slowly stood up. “I love you.” But I’m ready to move on. I touched the top of her gravestone. And then patted Uncle Jim’s too before walking out of the graveyard. I wasn’t going to waste another second of my life. I slid the engagement ring into my pocket. I needed to talk to Kennedy.

Chapter 45

Saturday

Kennedy

The teakettle started whistling. I immediately pulled it off the stove before it made too much noise. My mom was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake her. But I couldn’t sleep. And tea always seemed to help.

I poured the hot water into a mug and added a tea bag. I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I wasn’t sure how much tea would help the fact that I couldn’t stop crying.

“Mi amor, what are you doing up this late?”

I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “I’m sorry, Mama. Did I wake you?” I cleared my throat. “I just needed some tea. You should go back to sleep.”

“Kennedy.” She lightly touched my chin so that I’d look at her. “Why the tears?”

I couldn’t help my bottom lip shaking. “I messed everything up.”

“Nunca.” She pulled my head down onto her shoulder. “You couldn’t possibly.”

“I did.”

She rubbed her hand up and down my back. “Was it Matt? Did he hurt you?”

I lifted my head. “No.” I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.” I sniffed. “Quite the opposite.” It was scary to say the words I needed