Matchmaker (Empire High #4) - Ivy Smoak Page 0,147

to say out loud. It made them too real. It made it so easy for me to get hurt. But if I couldn’t even say them to my mom, how would I ever say them to Matt? “I think I might love him.”

My mom just nodded. And then turned and poured herself a cup of tea too. “Tell me everything.” She sat down on the couch.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I sat down next to her. “I wasn’t even going to look him up when I got back to the city. But we ran into each other. And one thing led to another. And…I just…he understands me. He respects me, Mama. He’s kind and caring. And everything I’ve never had before. But I don’t know what I’m doing. He was engaged to Brooklyn. What the hell am I doing?”

My mom grabbed my hand. “Life is short. And you can’t help who you love. But you can help if you curse.”

I would have laughed if my insides weren’t all twisted up. “But Matt? I can’t fall in love with him. It’s wrong.”

“I think the damage is already done.”

I shook my head.

“Mija.” She held my hand between hers. “You said you’re falling in love with him. Has he fallen too?”

“I think so.” I thought about how he didn’t deny loving me when I brought up what Tanner had said. And how he’d kissed me. And how he’d kept pursuing me even after I tried to stop it. I tried. I did. But I didn’t want to fight it anymore.

Matthew Caldwell wasn’t mine to have. But it had happened anyway. “She’d be so angry with me.”

“The dead can’t talk.”

“I visited her grave. And there were so many dead flowers on it. I think he visits her all the time. I think I’m falling in love with someone who will never love me most. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep choosing the wrong people?”

“He’s not wrong people. He’s a good boy.”

“But not for me. I feel so guilty. It feels like the guilt is going to swallow me whole. My stomach is twisted in knots and I can’t sleep. I’m miserable. Love isn’t supposed to feel this way.”

“That’s because you’re fighting it. Feel happy, mi amor. Be happy. You deserve everything in this world. You deserve to be happy if happiness finds you. Embrace it.”

I’d been through so much pain. And therapy. I’d spent years trying to piece myself back together after what happened with Cupcake. I felt like I was finally okay. And I wasn’t sure if I’d felt that way before Matt had crashed back into my life. I told him I couldn’t fix him. But what if he’d fixed me? I loved him for that alone. “But he can’t possibly love me. Brooklyn was his one great love.”

“Fairy tales.” She shook her head. “He’ll love you differently. The way you need to be loved. Different isn’t less.”

Different isn’t less. I didn’t know if that was true. But I wanted it to be. Because no matter how torn up I was inside, I didn’t know how to tell Matt no. I’d tried. But he’d broken down all my walls. I couldn’t get him out of my head. And I didn’t want to. Even though I knew he shouldn’t be there. Not in that way. God, what am I doing? “I miss her so much.”

“I know.” She pulled me into her side. “Me too.” She kissed the top of my head and yawned.

“It’s okay, Mama. You can go to bed. I’m going to be fine.”

She slowly stood up. Slower than she used to move. I tried not to let that worry me.

“You have nothing to fear.” She patted my cheek. “He already promised me he wouldn’t break your heart.”

“He did?” He’d promised her that? When? That night he slept over.

“Sí. He loves you too. A mother knows these things.”

He loves me too. I wanted her to be right. Desperately. And I didn’t really have any reason to doubt it. He’d asked me to be his girlfriend. I was the one pushing him away. Not the other way around.

My mom kissed the top of my head.

“Goodnight,” I said to her as she retreated back to her room.

I leaned my head back on the couch. “Give me a sign, Brooklyn,” I said into the silence. “Tell me it’s okay.” Because it hadn’t felt okay at her grave. It felt like I was stomping all over her memory. And I