electric oracle’s message. Fuck me stooped, said the wall behind my bed. The message above the couch was more enigmatic. Wallis has a big crock. Another unfortunate misspelling I hoped.
Had Steve not texted me earlier to let me know he’d taken the cats for a sleepover, panic would have forced my hand sooner. When an empty beer can bounced off my forehead, major motor functions kicked in, and I hit the light.
Bodies sought the darkened corners like cockroaches.
“What the fuck is going on here?” I demanded, finally finding words.
The humans in the room, mostly topless, some completely nude, were predominantly female. The men varied widely. More satyrs. Werewolves.
And...leprechauns? At least I hoped they were leprechauns. Despite their disparate sizes, the bodies in my living room had one thing in common.
They were pointing toward the kitchen.
“I am going to move out of the doorway,” I announced. “And I would recommend that you all consider this an invitation to exit without bodily harm.” I pulled my suitcase up by the door and turned into the kitchen.
A parade of hurried footsteps behind my back provided little comfort against the sight in the kitchen.
The horse’s muscular white body glowed ultraviolet in the black light. It reared back onto its hind legs, forelegs pawing at the air in slow motion like a commercial honoring the Wild West’s former glory. A silvered mane, tossed from the majestic neck, rippled like a violent rainbow. The sound of hooves crashing against the wooden floor echoed through my apartment like the apocalypse.
“Chug! Chug! Chug!” came the shouted order from the kitchen’s perimeter.
Only then did I notice the woman on the horse’s back.
Chug she did. From one of my crystal champagne glasses, which she turned over upon a golden horn with a victorious shout.
A golden horn. Sprouting from the forehead of the horse she was riding. In my kitchen.
No, not horse. Unicorn. There was a unicorn in my kitchen.
I slapped the overhead light switch at the precise moment the words found their way out of my mouth. “There’s a unicorn in my kitchen!”
The sleek white head turned toward me, its dark lips parting to deliver some mystical edict. “You don’t fucking say?”
I rushed forward, clapping my hands over his elegant, velvety muzzle. “Those are bad words. Swear words. You’re a unicorn. You shouldn’t say those things.” I moved my hands upward, stroking his nose.
“Harder,” he neighed.
“What did you just say?”
The beautiful beast regarded his audience, his expression both discerning and wise. “I said...show me your tits!” A cheer rose from the crowd.
My arm swung of its own accord, the flat of my palm landing squarely across his the proverbial horse’s mouth.
A collective gasp silenced the kitchen and a sudden horror seized me. “I just slapped a unicorn!”
“Do it again.”
I looked at his face, and saw genuine pleasure there. Additional revelations followed at a snail’s pace. “You’re a pervert. You’re a perverted unicorn!”
“Joe said you were fast.” A golden hoof stroked my thigh.
I slapped it away. “Stop that! You’re a unicorn. You’re supposed to be all magical and shit.”
“You got it all wrong, lady. I’m not a fucking unicorn. I am the fucking unicorn. Name’s Wallis, and it is a pleasure making your acquaintance.” When his long tongue snaked out of his lips and stroked his horsey teeth, I felt the first stirrings of rage.
“Wallis, is it? What, the fuck are you doing in my apartment?”
“Easy, honey,” the unicorn said, casting a comforting glance at his posse. “Joe said we could crash here, okay?”
“No, not okay. And who the hell is Joe?”
“If you don’t know, then I’m sorry for you.” Several feminine laughs tinkled like bells. “Joe Abernathy. The man. The wolf. The legend.”
Bang bang bang.
All heads, mine included, whipped toward my front door. Someone must have shut it on their way out. We held our collective breath.
Bang bang bang.
“Shhh!” I hissed. “That’s probably the landlord!”
Only it wasn’t. It was someone much, much worse.
“Hanna?” Morrison’s instantly recognizable voice demanded. “What the hell is going on here?”
“Someone want to join the party?” Wallis asked, arching an eyebrow.
“No, you idiot,” I stage-whispered. “That’s a police detective!”
“It’s the fuzz!” the unicorn shouted.
Bodies tripped over each other as they scattered, some diving from the windows to risk minor injury at the lawn’s mercy rather than face justice.
I scanned my kitchen, searching for a place to hide. Then I looked at the unicorn. Hide me? Fuck that. Hide him! “Get in the shower!” I ordered, swatting his flank.
He looked me from foot to head and nodded