would be. I wouldn’t fall in love with him. And I’d stubbornly held to that, until it was too late.
“All right, badasses,” Kennedy said. The music got louder, the heavy guitar riffs and pounding drums filling me with powerful energy. “Let’s get this shit out. Fill your lungs, breathing from your abdomen, and let those fucks fly.”
I pulled in a lungful of air, opened my eyes, and shouted as loud as I could. “Fuck off!”
My heart pounded hard in my chest and I realized I was digging my fingernails into my palms. I stared at the floor for a long moment and unclenched my fists.
“That was amazing.” Kennedy still slowly walked through the mats. “Does anyone have something they’d like to share? No pressure. But if you want to, feel free to let it out.”
I looked up as if coming out of a trance. “I think I fell in love for the first time. But I messed up, and he messed up. And now it’s just… a mess.”
Kennedy nodded. “That happens to so many of us. And it’s brutal. How do you feel about it, right now? What’s in here?” She placed her hands over her stomach.
“I’m angry. I’m angry at myself and I’m angry at him. I’m angry that this isn’t easier. That I didn’t tell him how I felt. That my education and professional experience not only proved to be no help whatsoever, they were probably a hindrance. And I’m pissed off that he might want to be with someone else more than he wants to be with me. Because I’m good for him. I understand him and he understands me and there are so few people who do. For both of us. I’m angry because I should be his penguin.”
I stopped, shocked at my outburst.
“Hell yes, you should be his penguin,” someone said behind me.
“Badass.”
“That was fierce as fuck, girlfriend.”
“Let it out, sister.”
Buoyed by the support of my classmates, I nodded. And I felt… better. Like I’d cleaned out some of the negative energy that had been weighing me down.
“So fucking awesome,” Kennedy said. “It sucks that you’re going through that, but girl, you are fierce as fuck. And I know you’re going to come out on the other side a stronger woman.”
A set of arms wrapped around me. Then another. And another. Everly, Sophie, and Nora all hugged me tight. In that moment, they gave me exactly what I needed. I was loved, accepted, and supported. And although neither that, nor yelling fuck in a yoga class, were going to mend my broken heart, they made the hurt a little more bearable. And that was priceless.
37
Corban
“The derivative for my love for you is 0, because my love for you is constant.” ~ Anonymous
I was up early for a Saturday. It obviously had nothing to do with the fact that Hazel and her friends were running their half-marathon today and it was about to start. I wasn’t fidgeting at my desk, wondering how she was doing.
That was a lie. That was exactly what I was doing.
Was she nervous? Properly hydrated? I’d looked up pictures from previous races and knew there were hydration stops all along the route. But had she eaten this morning? Was she replenishing her electrolytes?
And would there be anyone to cheer for her at the finish line?
I knew her circle was small. I also knew that was just how she operated. She wasn’t the type of person who needed a huge group of people around her to be happy. She had several close relationships that she valued deeply, and that was enough for her.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about how she was going to feel at the end of the race. I’d planned to be there. I was even going to make a sign.
Didn’t seem to be much point in doing that now.
She’d avoided me for the rest of the week, crushing any hope I’d had that she was just upset and would get over it. That we could go back to hanging out, poking at each other, and discussing all the random topics that seemed to come up when we were together.
I didn’t miss her for the sex. No, that wasn’t true, I did. Desperately. I craved her body like a junkie. But I missed all of her. I missed being around her. The way she pursed her lips when she was thinking or annoyed with me. The way she pushed her glasses up her nose and the way she got excited about