weep. She’d lost so much already; she didn’t want to lose him too. He was the only person she truly trusted and had assumed he’d be there to protect her should the need arise. Ben cared for her, she knew that, but Ben’s emotions would always get the better of him, and his mistrust and jealousy would be his undoing. He was too intent on his own needs, believing them to be synonymous with hers, and would continue to pressure her whether she was ready or not.
She admired Derek’s cool reserve and clear thinking. She’d also liked the gentle circle of support his arms had offered when she’d buried her face in his chest and cried her heart out, relieved to finally be able to share her pain with someone who was willing to stand by her. When she’d lain in her bed last night, cradling her tiny bump, she’d longed for him to hold her again and tell her everything would be all right. She wouldn’t be able to hide the truth from the Wilders for much longer. Already Hannah was giving her sidelong looks, probably wondering why she hadn’t asked for rags to use during her time of the month, or why she still felt sick in the mornings.
“I’ll be glad once he’s gone,” Ben said, his expression serious.
“Why is that?”
“Because then maybe you’ll finally see me,” Ben said, his gaze warm on her face. “I want you to see me, Alice.”
“I do see you, Ben,” Jocelyn said. “More clearly than you imagine.”
“I’d give anything to have you look at me the way you look at him, even once,” Ben continued, moving so close to her, she was forced to take a step back.
“Ben, I’m not in love with Derek,” Jocelyn said with more heat than she’d intended, probably because Ben had hit a nerve. He was making her feel cornered and angry, and she wished he’d just leave her in peace.
“You just keep telling yourself that. He loves Lydia, you know,” Ben said snidely. “She’s got more to offer, and that matters to our Derek.”
“But it doesn’t matter to you?” Jocelyn asked, offended on Derek’s behalf. Would you still want me if you knew there was another man’s child growing in my womb?
“I would take you as you are, Alice, because you are enough. You would always be enough.” He looked so earnest, Jocelyn almost wished she could muster some feelings for him. Ben would cherish her, would protect her. Ben would offer her a home.
“Would you like to go for a walk?” Ben asked again, undeterred by her vehemence.
“Not just now,” Jocelyn replied, desperate to be rid of him. She did, however, feel the need to walk, to be alone.
Jocelyn finished hanging the laundry, returned the basket to its proper place, and grabbed the cloak off the peg, heading out.
**
It was a bright November day, mild for the time of year. Jocelyn walked across the fields, inhaling the wonderful earthy smell and enjoying the vibrant hues that made the world look so lovely, just before it shrugged off its colorful mantle and everything turned a shade of gray. Already a carpet of fallen leaves softened her steps, and the clear blue sky was visible through shedding branches, winter just around the corner.
Having walked off her initial frustration, Jocelyn slowed her steps. She had to set her feelings aside and consider her position in a rational manner, like a man, or like a general going into battle. Except for Greg, with whom she was usually at loggerheads, she was alone in the world, and she needed to make a place for herself, a home. She had nothing to her name, not even the cloak on her back. Whatever meager possessions she’d brought with her were now at the bottom of the sea, as was the tiny purse containing her life savings. She hadn’t had much, but now even that small bounty was gone. She couldn’t go back to New York City, not as long as the British were still there, but Milford was safe. This sleepy little town was the best refuge she could have asked for.
If she were free to follow her heart, she might allow her budding feelings for Derek to develop, but she had no right. Derek was in love with another woman. He planned to marry her and start a family. Jocelyn had already started a family, just not in the way she might have hoped and not with a man who’d be