a night." Reaching to the nightstand, he passed her a glass of water.
Smiling ruefully, she gratefully accepted the water and took a sip. "Poor Keith," she said softly. "I don't think he slept through the night more than a couple of times when we were together."
He tilted his head to the side. "How often do you have them, the nightmares?"
"Almost every night."
"Have you ever considered seeing someone about them?"
"Eric, I live in Tanzania, in a village. There isn't a surplus of shrinks to be had. Besides," she added quietly, "I'm not sure there is any way to get rid of the images in my head."
"Nathalie, you're shivering."
"It always happens, it'll pass," she told him, pulling the blanket tighter around her as she wrapped her arms around her knees.
Watching his face she could see the conflict on it. She still knew him well enough she understood he was torn between wanting to ride to her rescue - as impossible as that was - and letting her sort it out for herself. She could only imagine the dichotomy she presented to him - the woman he had loved and the woman he no longer recognized.
"You don't understand why I gave him up, do you?"
He hesitated before answering. Taking her hand again, he held it softly in his own.
"I understand what happened to you was incredibly traumatic but if I'm being honest..." His voice trailed off. "If I'm being honest," he continued, "then no, I don't really understand it."
"I didn't think so" she said sadly. Quiet for several minutes, she pulled at the imaginary threads on her blanket. Swallowing thickly, she raised her eyes to his. "That ni-" she paused to take a breath as the emotion threatened to overcome her." "That night, I...I forfeited my right to be a mother - to be Jack's mother."
"Nathalie-"
"He nearly died because of me Eric," she said softly, tracks of tears trickling down her face. "He nearly died."
"You saved him!" he insisted. "And nearly lost your own life," he added with equal emphasis.
She shook her head. "I was supposed to protect him, that's what mothers do but I didn't. I...I was a doctor first and that choice nearly killed him. That's why I had to give him up," she said emphatically, oblivious to the steady stream of tears. "Don't you see? I don't deserve to be a mother."
"Oh my god" he whispered. Moving to her side, he gathered her in his arms, holding her tightly. "Nathalie"
Unable to hold back the pain any longer she melted into him, allowing her tears to rain down on his shoulder. "I was so busy trying to save my neighbors and my f-f-friends," she cried, "that I forgot to save him. My first r-r-responsibility was to him and I failed him. I didn't p-put him first."
Her entire body shook with sobs as he held her to him. He kissed her temple and whispered reassurances. Her pain was total as it spilled out of her. They lay back against the pillows and he brought her head to rest on his chest, his fingers threading softly through her hair.
"You didn't fail him" he told her quietly. "Nathalie you didn't. You saved him."
She shook her head slightly. "I shouldn't have had to save him though" she protested. "I left him alone Eric. I left him alone and anything could have happened to him. They could have....they could have done to him what they did to the others. There....there was so much blood. When I....his cry sounded like screams. I would look into his crib and I would see terrible, terrible things - limbs, mutilated bodies. I was paralyzed by it all. I couldn't pick him up, I was afraid he would disintegrate in my hands." Her chest heaved again as the weight of what she had survived pressed against her. "I was being punished and didn't deserve him."
Eric was quiet for several minutes as he tried to take it all in.
"I can't imagine being in that situation" he began quietly. "But we have been trained in triage Nat - we've had it drilled into our heads how to assess the situation and then prioritize.. That's what you did. Jack was safe when you left him and you went where you were needed most. Your life was in danger and yet you still tried to help. That is courageous and not something to be punished for."
"It doesn't feel like that. It feels like I've failed on the biggest of scales."
"Oh babe," he sighed. "You didn't